Tonight, I am going to write about the topic that I have been careful not to talk about. I am going to write about you.
I was folding clothes this afternoon, decluttering my closet of unwanted clothes-- sorting what can be donated and what can be put into the trash.
The mundane act reminded me of how life used to be back in our home. I remember how I decided to give up my dreams, my career, my degree, and my promotion. I gave up everything to be full-time, then later, a work from home mom.
All that despite the fact that I am doing better at my job than you do in yours. I did that because I don't want to bruise your ego. Because I trust that you can man-up.
I remember doing the laundry, cleaning the house, preparing home-cooked meals for you and our son.
I remember the countless times I cried alone and unnoticed because for the first time, I have to ask (and sometimes beg) for money to buy the things that I need and want.
I remember when I wanted to replace my old, malfunctioning basic phone but you said we couldn't because we have no budget for it. I remember how you bought a bicycle after telling me we have no money because you need to hang out with the guys.
I remember all those times when you disrespected me and treated me like crap.
I remember your every cheating and the smug look on your face each time I let it slide.
I remember your guilt-tripping each time you were caught and how you put the blame on me.
You cheated because I keep on nagging you about your hoarding.
You cheated because I spent months in my parents home weeks after giving birth.
You cheated because I keep on asking you to work closer to home.
You cheated because I keep on asking you to review and pass the licensure exam that you have failed twice.
You cheated because I was asking you to look for a regular job
I took all the blame. I let it all slide. Because I loved you and I don't want to lose you.
It used to take you more than a year to go back to cheating, after the last you got caught. I don't know if I was just so dense before, or you have been so relaxed, that the cheating becomes more frequent.
Every time I caught you, it hurts. But the last time though, it made me feel numb. I was suspecting you were on it again, days before you stupidly left your phone. (Not to mention that I saw the condom you were keeping in the back pocket of your bag.) I knew it right away when an hour before office hours end, it kept on ringing.
I don't know too if it is a blessing or a curse that a simpleton like you couldn't think of a more complex password. But whenever I access it, my intuition just seem to know which messenger apps to open, and voila! There in front of me are different cheating messages from different persons, every fucking time.
The fact that you are cheating isn't news. But the list I've seen there? The messages that include me and our son? The fact that you have there a screenshot of how to get into a certain motel? The nude photos you kept? That crushes me.
And it's funny how until this time, you thought I got mad because I caught you fixated on cheating with the transwomen. Excuse me, I support how love should always win, but I will never advocate for cheating.
It took me a while to come to my senses, but I am really thankful for that special person who convinced me to forget about what the other people would say, and to think about myself.
I am thankful and feel sorry too for all those people that may have felt used while helping me on my way to recovery.
And I am forever thankful for those people who genuinely care for me and understood the situation I was in.
It took me a while. But I am here. Hopefully rebuilding my career. Peacefully living a joyful life away from you. I am loving myself and tonight, I am setting myself free.