Dear Negative Panda,
You seem to be lounging effortlessly on the frontal lobe of my brain, precariously holding my thoughts and making fun of my good old memories. You whisper awful things about me without a hitch and hold me back from moving forward. “World’s cruel baby, you will hurt yourself.” you whisper in my ears. “Don’t scald yourself by trying to be brave!” you threaten me.
When I feel an opinion clamber up my throat, I immediately swallow fearing the disparaging comments that you might toss at me. Whenever I see anyone better than me, you don’t fail to give a berating prompt at me and soon after which I curl up like the humble plant. People think I’m shy, hesitant and reserved, totally oblivious to the fact that you exist, the giant panda who keeps steering my moves. The giant panda who exists perennially in my head. The giant horrible panda who is inextricably glued to my head.
I feel queasy whenever I have to be confident. I feel worthless whenever I should be proud of myself. You trained me so well to turn my back when I should be sailing forward. And to stop myself from doing brave things and doubt and judge myself. I wonder why you exist and why you loathe me so much. Can you imagine being me for a day, listening to all the horrendous things you say and yet breathing and existing? Can you imagine having gazillion unwanted thoughts sprinting through your neurons continuously?
Wish you’d bid farewell to me. But I know you won’t and everyone has their own panda inside their heads, which makes them keep vigil at nights. And I am slowly learning to accept this and take control over you, even though you struggle hard not to let go of my mind’s steering wheel and keep thriving hard to make a home in my brain. I am trying and I won’t stop trying. It’s my home, my mind, my realm and I am sorry to say this but it’s time for me to take charge of my world. Find yourself a different place my pal, I’m not yours anymore.