The deadliest escape is what I was trying to make.Hiding in shadows of self loathing from a very long time a closure was really needed. Between me,anxiety and some of its minions. It was mid December when throat felt tight,Nausea punched me in my face & breathing was lost in it's own world. The mini towel in the end drawer was afraid to come near me. It was it's first time seeing me the way I really am.It's not just horror but the pain.I swear I felt pain in it's texture when it touched my sweaty face.I was done being the "All time afraid me".One little attack of anxiety can't pull me down. I ain"t that weak." I won't lose without giving a tough fight."I thought this thought at the weird hour when another attack was ready to knock me down,Was ready to bully me until I surrender while crying for mercy. I didn't backed down. I was up for another fight. If it means another sleepless night with a panic attack.
"I won't survive the night" 12.am.Exact.When I gulped a glass of wine. It was making me feel alive. Few more drops down my throat and I know I need no one.I have written poetries that night in the name of my landlord who annoyed me but never let me drown in anxiety for once.We fought, We did make up dinners, We kissed randomly.Any other night when he'll turn up at my door and I know that "That night panic attack is the least thing I am worried for" He won"t let anything get close to me other than himself. Close.Yet so far. Waking up on the couch with wine burning my soul and his drowning in guilt. Afterall a married man can't be with someone he truly loves. It has to be his wife. Pushing him away again and again. The process so roughens up a bit when passionate kisses just turn into trembling hurt,Into swearing right in the gut.Into running into his arms and then slapping the infedility away. A closed chapter doesn't deserve a panic attack but an opened one getting closed and then opening again deserves full blown depression kissing me on my mouth caressing my cheeks slapping me waking me up from I need a break. From myself. The one full of destruction. The one full of that threatening guilt.Kissing him everytime makes me alive but turns me dead when he kicks the front door open to jump into the arms of some other women with 2 kids by her side. I need a break.