• fallen_42 19w

    I have missed people and all this time I thought that the void in me would fill up with their presence. I sometimes wonder how my life had turned out to be if i never lost anyone. But perhaps void doesn't discriminate. I thought maybe if my old school best friend would talk to me, I would be healed. If my girl gang would turn up at my house with flowers in their hands, I would be healed. I even thought if i would be admitted to a hospital, people would worry and wait for me outside the hospital room and in a secret magic spell of some old magician, I would be healed. But I didn't. Lost friends contacted as if watering a dead sunflower on a cloudy day. It ached still. Some excused themselves out of my life with the reasons unbeknownst to me. It ached. My lover sang me songs. It still ached. My father danced and my mother assembled herself like a Lego building, not wanting to fall in front of her hurting daughter and it ached. My sister sent me songs of people i would relate the most to. People tried. Efforts were made but no matter what happened, this void stood still, staring blankly at the faces of people who cared for me. And that's how I knew depression hadn't just become a disease but a part of me. It sat right where the diaphragm and ribs met and entered every time like a hiccup i couldn't stop. Somedays I stare at the ceilings long enough to see the roof turning into a screen where move in a slow motion the faces of people who came and went away like the gust of winds, ruffling my hair, leaving them tangled and me in a fit of anger for destroying my peace. Maybe this void is the peace. Perhaps too dangerous. It looks into the eyes of life and dare not to blink and that's where it hurts the most. No matter the days, this void engulf in some amoebic movement, my happiness and my reflexes to rare stimuli like happiness. I am sad. I am numb. I scream for help. I remain silent. I cry. I laugh. My jaws ache. My feet hurt but this void meditates like a hermit. I am beginning to become a common person's nightmare, a blessing to the dead.