If I could have any wish come true for my birthday, anything my little pea picking heart desired, do you know what I'd wish for ?
I would wish that I could believe in every word you've ever told me. I want nothing more in this world, nothing more in this whole universe than to be able to trust and believe in you and all your words once again. It's been so long. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to have total faith and trust in your partner. Ive almost forgotten what its like having a partner.
I hate myself that I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head. I hate that I have hesitation in my heart. I hate that when I'm not near you my mind won't rest, because it's so worried about who you are with this time, what the two of you are doing, and what kinds of sweet things are you whispering into her ear? What strong emotions are you envoking in her?. Does she think like I use to?
Does she get all googly eyed when she sees you walking towards her? Is she as proud as I am to be by your side? Do you make her feel the way I feel when you're pouring on the charm? Does she get to feel like the sexiest woman in the world when you're with her?. Are you telling her the two of you were meant to be together forever? Does she think she's the only one? That the two of you have something special that you and no other will ever have? Do you tell her I love you? Does she think she's the only one? Does she feel like she's finally found her soul mate? Has she told all her friends and family to back off and stand up for you?
I would love to for all the fear and memories to be gone. All of it. I never want to know how deeply painful it feels to betrayed by you, to be lied to by you. I don't ever want to know that feeling when you are looking me dead in the eye and speaking with such conviction that the words that are falling from your lips are part of a bold face lie and not the truth as you want me to firmly believe. I hate myself that I cannot just believe. I hate myself for questioning all you say to me. And whats funny is, it's not me I should be hating. Its not me i should be disappointed in. Its you I should be hating. You did thIs to us, to me.
You're the one that tossed everything aside just so you could have more flings. You don't care how its affecting me, and why should you?
I am only one out of ine hundred woman that you string along. You figure so what if you lost me, you've got another just waiting to take my place.
I guess I put us and what we had too high up on a pedastal. I thought we were going to be the invincible couple. The ones that people would be jealous of. The couple that everyone strived to emulate. The couple whose love was so great when people tried to tear us apart, and despite what anyone said or did neither of us doubted the other. That's what I thought we were creating. It sure felt like our connection was that strong. At least to me.
Now I sit here whether we're together or apart, I cant help but wonder who is it you're buttering up to when you text on your phone. Who are you calling beautiful when you're videoing. Who is it yoyr meeting up with when you walk out that door. I cant help but wonder, because I know it's not me. It hurts so bad because the cuts go that deep. Im starting to doubt they'll ever heal. WIll I ever believe in anyone ever again. I think about that, and I cry. Because I want more than anything to make it all just go away.
I want to feel loved by you and trust again in you, but im afraid it might not ever be. So can you for my one birthday wish, can you make it all go away, pretty please!