• hotmessconfessions101 23w

    School

    School was awful growing up. I'm a firm believer that every child needs a safe place. If home life is traitorous then school should be their fresh air. I believe if school is hard for acceptance then home should be their grounding comfortably zone. And when a child has neither, so help them God. Children who aren't granted either, as a given right not a gift, are angels themselves. And I'm not referring to myself as one either.
    These are the children who grow to be bitter, and hate. Or they love so big their hearts over fill spewing it out there pores into every thing they initiate contact wuth. But no one knows the pain endured to reach that point of happiness and What broken pieces were shattered beyond belief to make it that far.
    People always say that I'm so nice, I'm too nice, they don't understand why I'm so nice. And yah know what. It's not that hard. And why am i nice? Because i know what it's like to be the fat girl, I know what it's like to be the loser. The ugly one, the one who should die.
    The one the entire school bus made jokes about. I know what it's like to walk 2 miles home in pissy pants because the boys through me on the ground and kicked me until peed. Or threw rocks at me making me run and cry being scared because they through them hard, and one hit so strong made me lose my bladder and shriek in greif.
    I was the little girl who hid in the bushes during recess bc no one wanted to play with me and they would tell me I'm a loser and go away.
    My brother started this, once realizing that it made him cool to pick on his little sister. Once deemed popular from sports, he chose to conquer every aspect of our lives, making it a competition that he'd use his deceit to win.
    We we're placed in the same class, I had no issues with it, as I had no intention of causing my brother and disruption. My brother threw a all out fit, until my mom went to the school and had me removed, I also wss placed on this class first. He was moved 3 weeks into school.
    Claiming that her son shouldn't be embarrassed by having to share the classroom with his little sister. How embarasing to him. Let's forget the fact he was placed into mine due to being withheld. Or the fact that he shit his pants every chance he got until like 9 yrs old.
    I used to hide literally from kids because if they seen me, then I would get it. Every degrading thing you could imagine. In first grade, my brother had his fellow classmates follow me around and find me yelling josh's sisters ugly and fat. They'd call me a,pig. And then lunch time got worse. The teachers all through school would force me to go in line and get my food and sit down. And if anyone saw me, they'd start mooing at me oinking like I'd make a good blt, laughing and not allow me to sit. When id eat they'd act like I was doing it like I was starving or gorging myself, acting like I made them sick or throwing up. To this day, I still cannot eat around people or buffet style food.
    And to this day I still hide in the bathroom while everyone eats. I can't stand even sitting with my own children during a meal. It makes me nervous.
    In second grade i shaved everything off my body, after weeks of being called hairy and gross and like a boy. They said i was hairy like a monkey and I looked like one to. I shaved my entire body, and got made fun of even worse. In 6th grade my brother told everyone i stuffed my bra and that was proven wrong after my bikini wss untied In front half the school. Shalane was a dear friend. She tried to help my wardrobe crisis few sizes smaller than me but We tried to make it work until one day I didn't get the chance to change before going home. Busted. I wore cheesy neon wind breakers til I was 12, and at that my grandmother still threw them away saying I was too fat.
    People quit doing practices with me during softball, and the popular grils got there mom's to schedule me on the bench. I was in no surprise the odd one out. Sometimes allot of kids were nice when no one was looking. I didn't feel good enough for them to like in front of others. I've always been someone's shameful little secret. And eventually I took pride in it, admitting to myself but they do love me. But not enough for anyone to know.
    Eventually I had to learn defense, and the only way to get respect was to demand it. And this brick house would plow through you. This is how I ended up 12 years old in handcuffs for smashing a 19yr olds face shattering a long and wide bathroom mirror. People were going to learn that they didn't have to like my but they were going to keep there mouths shut in my presence. It didn't end there though. It's continued all the way into adulthood. My brother still starting hilarious rumors as if my name feels so good rolling off his tongue. Brother manipulated everything and everyone in my life, until i had nothing and no one. Time and time again. And it was a battle that was more than you could chew if you flew in my defense. .