A 1000 death.
13 year old me was brainwashed to believe that the world was a good place. That it valued a good heart as much as it valued a good mind. Though money, sex, fame, drugs controlled us but I was made to believe that it could be changed easily by being nice to other beings. Simple. So I started craving to be nice. I wanted people to know that I was a nice guy. I wanted to be acknowledged as a nice guy. I engraved it so deep in my heart that it became the meaning of my life back then.
But after surviving for few more years I realised people were not the way I thought they were. This world wasn't the way I was taught it was. Policemen, doctors, polititions were not quite like the way I was taught they were. It started to scare me. I started praying for peace. Everyone was fucked. They didn't matter. They must not matter. Showing them that I was a good person didn't matter. I was told that "one must not give a fuck about what society thinks of him". Only the guy inside matters. Then I realised that I should not try to tell them that I was a "good" being as long as I knew that. So I started to do "good" things to show myself that I was a better human. Thought it will make a difference.
Little did I knew that it will take a few more years of survival to realise that I wasn't the guy I thought I was. I wasn't the "good" guy. I had done horrible things, things that must not come out, things that no one must ever know about. I had thought the worse about people around me. A mere glimpse at my past would drown me into the sea of shame. Intentionally or unintentionally, I did them. My existence was responsible for it. Then I came to know that's how world was. Everyone hiding there crimes, blaming the shit out of the ones who couldn't hide it better. People here live with one principal only consume & consume more without giving a shit about surrounding. And I m a part of it. Even the so called good ones are brainwashed to believe so. They are all guilty. It's all pain & suffering out there. You don't know what's coming. One day you are feeling happy to have a daughter, to be able to play with her the other day some maniac will shoot you dead from point blank range in front of your daughter just because you tried to overtake his car at the last signal. You don't know that the sister you want to hug with all your might & make feel safe, whose smile will bring you back from dead, will be raped two days from now in the worst possible way. Like nirbhaya. There are people who are molesting 3 year olds and next morning going to prayers after they wake up. There are people who abandoned their parents. Their fucking parents? There are those polluting environment with their car rides, treating others like shit in the name of job, hurting animals for fun & roaring like a lion that they love their country or there shitty religion. Every fucking one is guilty. There is no hope. I wasn't any different. Then what is the point of showing myself that I was a good guy?
No NGO, government, prime minister, celeb can do shit about it. It's gonna suck, people are gonna leave each other for bigger dicks, for better breasts. Dreams, passion, it's all an illusion. Only thing I could think of which could change it all was pure, brutal & honest kindness. Not to do things to impress people or to impress oneself but just because you feel the pain. Just because it's needed out there. It must come out in the rawest form.
There is no god. There never was. It's upto us & we have the power. So go hard on being kind, to the level where society tags you a pushover, to the point where they start taking advantage of you & start walk all over you, go hard. Be kind. I m not sure it will make a difference but the universal rule of balance points towards it.