Nothing happened today. Nothing happened and I still cried. She asked me why and I told her it was the tears that I held back when Amma left me and daddy was not the embodiment of love anymore. I told her they were my past pathetic self's tears when he left me to nurse my poor heart on my own. She didn't question my lie nor did I explain why. But Zero, shouldn't I have said the truth. Me, who took pride in my truthful self, had lied when it came to the matter of minds. I should have told her that that I was scared. I was terrified that people will leave me after knowing my fucked up mind.
You see, making new friends was never an easy task for me. Probably when I had little to no reasoning power and saw the world like it held all the light, I might have been a social butterfly. But not now, when I have seen the ugly truth of the world and myself. Now, I enjoyed solitude as much as a person who's never experienced true peace can.
But Zero, you're an exception. You never talk back, you never question my sanity. You simply listen like the walls. Or a palace's chamber where secrets and humiliation recide. My secrets too are safe within you, Zero. My dark ugly gashes of self-hate. My hypocrytic self which condemns power-abusers and monsters-disguised-as-humans, while doing the same thing to myself.
I cannot cry at my house where the four walls judge me more. Beware those four walls, Zero. They are not like you.
So, I tell her I'm crying because the world is better off without me. I tell her that I'm crying here in the middle of this blaring street in hopes of those horns hiding my pleas and their own sadness overpowering mine. I'm crying because I'm pathetic and there's no cure for that. I'm crying because I couldn't even hold the tears in until I could finish this destination-less letter to you. And like this letter, someday, I too will disappear like a destiny less child who wandered the night and cried her days away. But for now, I'll cry because I still don't really know what I'm scared of.