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  • purpllehaze 14w

    Quest to the Unknown

    Have you ever set yourself on a quest? A quest in search of either the right gift for that loved one or something more meaningful, like a quest to know what really makes you happy?
    Well, i most certainly knew i was looking for something but was not quite sure what.
    In the midst of sorrow and pain, i often looked at life through different angles - ones which either justified another's ill actions or just findings the lesson in things which did not turn out as planned. If you have been in such a situation,do know that your sane and definitely not alone.

    Growing up in a household of a modern yet conventional family,i recall a lot of memories which i would say were better forgotten. I did try to suppress it for many years and like a good human, didnt want to blame anyone for my mistakes. But the truth is - if we do not confront our insecurities of the past, we live in projection of them in our present. I have begun to realize this. The lingering question as a single woman in her mid thirties is, why have all my relationships failed thus far. In hindsight, like many renowned psychologists state that we must change our patterns to expect a different outcome. But the question to me was, how in the world would i be able to do this?

    So lets trace back to my childhood and all i recall are a couple of memories or rather very vivid visuals of disturbing encounters. Ones where i was shamed while others made me feel unheard. Im sure in one way or another, we all have experienced this in our lives. For those who probably would like to say they havent, then this relation wouldnt be for you. In times of isolation,aloofing ourselves from everything, we often have a lot of time to think about anything. Our choice to have our minds drift into the past or the future. More often than not, i have noticed that when we are alone, we do not really ponder on the present. Now this is my own personal opinion and many may have something else to say. Thinking of all the days or years that went by, i started reflecting on every relationship in my life. Starting with my care takers, educationalists, friends, acquaintances and yes, the obvious lovers which fall into my paths. Not a very amusing reflection i must say. Some memory lanes bring tears to my eyes, ruminating in thoughts and feelings of what that particular event did bring upon.

    Its said, time heals everything but i would like to believe that old wounds heals only when treated. This treatment is not one which is cared for by others. In fact, the rude awakening is that no one but yourself can tend to your own hurt. We all will have those chosen people who would guide us or even some who may provide that crying shoulder but The question is , for how long are we going to look for solace in a voice other than our own? I have no intention to undermine the efforts that some of our close and dear ones put in and I am convinced that there are people out there who genuinely wish us well. In my experience on the advice of suggestions that I have received, only provided me temporary relief.

    I often wondered why my insecurities and Apprehensions didn't blow away in the wind when everyone else exactly knew, what I should be doing and what I shouldn't. Why did my thoughts run like a Hurricane in my head, when I seemingly had all these answers. After all they were presented to me on a platter. But the worry never went away. Like my shadow it kept lurking around and presented itself like an unwelcomed Thief in the night. struggle to find the very lesson that else in the world proclaim that there would be after every downfall. While in the modern Cosmopolitan world where Astrophysics and Science have the most complicated theories then why couldn't I just find simple answer on how to break the pattern of failed human connections?

    In distress I thought money would by me all the answers but it only left me skeptical about the future. A new desire or desperation rose inside me on wanting to know what the future entailed.Drained my pockets sadly. An innocent appeal for a heart which seeked hope. Having seen major pitfalls and stormed the valleys of high and low, years went on by trying to quich my soul. Deeper and deeper i fell into the web of uncertainty which left me unnerving every inch in me. On my journey, i met with my passion which soon was left hanging in a corner like a long lost story of fiction. Through the years, i unveiled some soothing yet unknown hidden gifts, ones which had a blend of colours and others looked better on a grey scale.They now lay somewhere near and far, revisiting the surface only to depart.

  • purpllehaze 14w

    Do you see your reflection?

    What do you see when you look at me?
    Do you see your lost years or do you see opportunities?
    Often have i asked, why did you hold back the warmth that i should have been offered?
    Did you not know how to, or was it what you experienced for most?
    I know i didn't have to share or divide but, were you the one who always sacrificed?
    Do you see that my independence means i have wandered too far
    Or do you see it as something you hoped you had.
    Are all my travels and adventures a kind of reflection, of a life you would never have
    Do you look back in resentment of all the things you could have had.
    Scaling through life, over a stove and and a clean house
    Now crossed your prime, do you ask yourself what did your life mean all this while.
    Upbringing of your first was indeed a task, a role you never were trained on
    Movies and Dr Spocks could only give as much
    But the nitty gritties of the shadows wasn't spelled out.
    With the second, you try to undo with a little more love and care
    Only later to realise a smothering grasp to your despair.
    As you sit alone with all the aches and pains, which age now shares
    Would you still choose to do it all again, for a child to bear?
    This time would career or family take first place
    Dried are those tears of all the disappointing heartaches.
    Life has a way of understanding all
    But its time for you to know, that its not too late to catch the fall.
    She still waits for that warmth
    A nod to understanding the unheard call
    Help her in her voyage to find
    The never ending search of a human connection to bind.

  • purpllehaze 16w

    When i think of you

    When i see the moon, in all its glory - i think of you
    When i watch the mesmerizing sunsets and all its accompanying hues - i think of you
    When i feel the wind on my skin and the soft touch it pays - i think of you
    When my thoughts are left to wander and my heart's searching - i think of you
    When i listen to a piano play - i think of you
    When i pray on my knees hoping for you - i think of you
    When i see nature and its beauty - i think of you
    When im happy and want to share - i think of you
    When im down and lonely - i think of you
    When i close my eyes and smile to myself - its you!

  • purpllehaze 18w

    Nostalgia

    Now I realise that it’s you who I miss
    All this time, I was fooling myself a bit.
    Cramped in 4 walls and no where to go
    My sensory calls you as a perfect haul.
    As the mist fills this space
    It’s you, from whom I can’t escape.
    From that loving hello , To a bidding goodbye
    There’s a deep sorrow with silent cries.
    How much are we asked to withhold
    Standing here with my arms in a fold.
    Don’t let the secret loose
    For these lonely times, I choose you.
    I miss those eyes
    I miss the touch
    I miss every kiss ever so much.

  • purpllehaze 18w

    The Scales

    As you slide your thoughts of us through the day,
    It dawns a feeling of security all the way.
    Plagued with a mix of chores,
    A daily checklist for you to close.
    Pros and Cons which weigh heavy,
    Leaving a scale balanced between classy and sexy.
    Wouldn't you still yearn to feel that touch,
    A touch so subtle with a tinge of musk.
    Pull you closer to satisfy the urge,
    Looking into those eyes while the Oxycontin's surge.
    So you wait,until the time's right,
    Internalizing all the emotions inside.

  • purpllehaze 18w

    Divine Timing

    And then came a day, when you began to pray a little different,
    The winding roads, seem to lead somewhere or at least you hope.
    What you want,may not be what you need,
    But the music of a better tomorrow is your minds feed.
    Don't be discouraged, on your journey ahead
    'Cause there's a lot more to be discovered at each bend.
    A path may not be straight,
    But your destination awaits.
    Hold on tight and keep the faith,
    For your almost at the toll gate.
    You know your eyes,hold a wish behind those tears
    But let me tell you, It isn't too far off, so hold back your fears.
    You know the meaning to waiting,
    A desire to break free from the estimating.
    Stand still, and embrace the coming,
    A coming in Divine Timing.

  • purpllehaze 18w

    My True North

    The calmness which claims my heart when i hear you play
    Hear me now, this isn't to add to your fame.
    Is that so? is what you ask,
    Well my darling, this feeling wouldn't just pass.
    And as i close my eyes and drift away,
    All that i wish is for you to stay.
    Empty minds carry such chaos,
    Holding a timeline, with a purposed cause.
    Like i have said a million times,
    Your arms are where I'd like to belong.
    Share your love
    Share your pain
    Share everything and don't refrain.
    Deliberate bridges and forced wedges,
    My guardian angel's pledge.
    I wish i could, hold back as i should
    Cause patience is the key of our likelihood.
    A home which could create a harmonious fill,
    With daily laughter of togetherness over-spill.

  • purpllehaze 18w

    Whispers Loud

    Within 4 walls and only my thoughts
    Holds a hurricane of emotions to be fought.
    All the times, I’ve tried to suppress
    But Today they resurface like a political protest.
    While I have outlined every inch in my head
    Yet, there comes this bias towards u, while I lay in bed.
    Sober am I brought, with no rum or whiskey to be caught.
    Yet so intoxicating with you in afterthought .
    Searching for answers while the birds sing
    These glorious days of new truth to begin.

    Are these voices ever going to subside
    Or are they prisoners of my idle mind.
    My breath dancing to the rhythm of high and low
    Feels like a prey scattering, at a scavenger show.
    Numb would I like, all my senses to be
    Erasing the static to reveal the silence surrounding the trees.
    Every morn, a wish to Race forth,
    Collapsing time , as I recollect our censored oath.
    A promise made, is a promise kept
    In a direction which swipes 350 miles left.

  • purpllehaze 23w

    You

    Do u think I don’t know the fear u hold
    The kind of battles under your fold.
    Do u think I don’t know what u hide
    The feelings rising like a tide.
    Do u think i don’t know the pain inside
    The double end sword for u to decide.
    Do u think I don’t know what all ull sacrifice
    If you choose me to be precise.
    Do you think I don’t know the conflicted mind
    Standing at a cross roads searching to find.
    Do u think I don’t know the loneliness
    A true friend during my weakness.
    I’m here only for just a awhile
    But I promise to truly love you through this time.

  • purpllehaze 23w

    Tempered Love

    Oh my Love, there is so much i'd like to tell
    But how my fear rages, like a storm in hell.
    If i did disclose, would you be the same
    Or would you pull away, with me to blame.
    My mind confuses, holding me back
    But how i wish i could tell you and state the fact.
    Would you run or would you hide
    Just like your feelings inside.
    But i wish you stay long
    Long enough,until you realize where you belong.

    With an innocence, i wish not to fail
    'Cause I've grown to appreciate us on a large scale.
    Gratitude is what i shall practice
    Even if we choose distance over happiness.
    You need to know, its a struggle i'm begging to free
    'Cause i know, victory only comes with some kind of defeat.
    I don't want you to hurt nor do i want you to lose
    And so i keep reminding myself to loosen the noose.
    I continue this journey with no expectations
    No matter how hard my feelings flicker with fluctuations.
    Would we have the chance is what I asked
    ‘Cause I want to put the missing in the past.