I choked, I froze, I blacked out.
The surrounding near me came to a still and all I could see was his wily smile while he was riding his bike and soon after he disappeared like a wind.
I was still standing there trying to figure out what just happened. I couldn't utter a single word. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life.
After few moments, as I came back to my senses, I sat there itself on the footpath and cried my heart out. I didn't want to do that but it was uncontrollable and I just cried.
There were people around me who saw that happening but they didn't help me , instead they gave me a disgusting look as if I was at fault.
Feeling embarrassed, I gathered all the courage and got up on my way back to hostel. Yes, I was new to the city and no, I wasn't out late at the night , it was still afternoon.
"What was my fault?","What did he get by doing that?'" This was what I was blabbering out while lying on the floor and crying. I called my mom but she couldn't help but cried.
The fear in me was building up and I started to shiver. I went straight to shower and rubbed my body as hard as I could to remove any single trace of his touch on my body.
I felt restless and I couldn't sleep for days. The moment I close my eyes I could clearly picturize his hands coming towards me and pressing my breasts as if I was a fucking entity and his property. The more gross thing was his monstrous smile as if he achieved some victory. Seeing me there , helpless gave him some kind of relief.
I think about the mental state of such people, their background and about their families and I pity them. Their families are the most vulnerable ones . They are living with a monster. Yes, that's how I will describe them.
EVE TEASING as described by Wikipedia-
"a problem related to delinquency in youth, it is a form of sexual aggression that ranges in severity from sexually suggestive remarks, brushing in public places and catcalls, to groping."And the 'EVE' here alludes to Bible's creation story concerning Adam and Eve. Eve teasing refers to the temptress nature of Eve, placing responsibility on the woman as a tease.
This is how Wikipedia defines Eve teasing.
Blaming women on everything happening to them is common now. But I couldn't believe that it was defined like that only.
Acid Attack , Rape, Genital mutilation , Breast ironing, Marital rape, Forced prostitution .........
never ending list . The crimes against women are so many that there was a need to categorize them according to the severity .
Frotteurism and Toucherism is very common for every girl using public transport. Even women have made it very normal because they don't have any option . Our mothers make us understand that we have deal with it , we should ignore it and what not.
What I am trying to convey is , He might got his pleasure for few seconds but here I am remembering every single detail of that incident and how it changed my perspective. Every single crime against women not only have physical impact but main target is their mental health, the fear. Memory never fades away.
It still haunts.
It will be haunting me for the years to come.
The idea of someone being there for you always , now makes me doubt it.The someone you are waiting for might be waiting for his/hers someone. That someone may or may not want you to be for him always and there is nothing you can do about it because they are different personalities and have different choices.
When in love , expectations comes hand in hand. You are supposed to expect from the people you love and that is very common. But thinking of the other side, the person you are expecting from may not be able to fulfill your expectations or he/she might not want to fulfill them and you can't force anybody just because you want it and vice-versa.
Though thinking of coming back after work and having someone with whom you can share every single detail about your day and listen to theirs... sounds beautiful but when reality occurs , the way you imagined it need not to be true. I think I am more happy imagining someone by my side rather than actually having someone because one day or the other that person is going to leave.
People say that at the end you need someone and I agree with this but what if that someone isn't with you anymore when you are finally at the end?
Life is uncertain , be it in the matter of relationships or death. When you have spent half of your life with someone then their absence makes you feel numb. Death doesn't wait for someone's end ....Death is the ultimate end. Living with that grief is beyond my imagination. It scares me that sudden disappearance of someone from life will leave with nothing but memories. And memories are nothing but past and holding onto
haunting past unnecessarily will only bring sadness.
This idea of loving someone for your whole life used to make me blush but now it makes me sick. May be, my beliefs changes after few years and I might be stuck in everything I just explained because you never know what's next.
But for now, always is not my thing because
ALWAYS NEVER EXIST.
I can't tell everyone, but atleast I can tell me....or perhaps a dead part of me...
It was some good Ten or eleven years ago You broke free from This cocoon of innocence; Lifted your feathers, One, two, three.....then all- And off you flew ! Never to be seen again.
I knew I couldn't; Stop you from leaving, Nor it should've been right, For you to stay; In this world that didn't Deserve you any day.
Naught has really changed Much since you left. We still fight and kill, The breathing beings still dead. They'd have killed you too, Sooner or later, yet someday. Bereft of humanity, they live, Humans do they call themselves; For nothing else would Suffice to heave- Their amour propre anyway.
As I sit inside my chamber, Thinking of you, like everyday; I decide to write you a letter Hoping to feel your presence Yet in the most delusory of ways. And like everyday, I fail, Knowing not what to write. What could I tell you, That'd make you; At the very least, Want to live here again.
I try writing a letter But it turns into a poem I try reading the poem But it turns into a song And I can't sing.
Now as I look back At this world without you, I feel empty. Walking the brown sands are; Some sentient entities, Alive as of yet, Still struggling to be humans. They carry about their frames, Knowing it all through- The transience of life, as it's said; Yet never realizing What in sooth, Being human is.. . We are all somewhat dead, aren't we ??