To my first childhood love I was in 3rd grade and, Yes i was helplessly in love with you I didnt even know what i was feeling But i guess that was the purest form of love Remember when i used to wait for you on terrace to play cricket and london statue Its been so many years but i still remember all those beautiful moons we shared I thought it was Unrequited love but when i got shifted to another society , i started to feel the same breeze from your side When we were in 9th grade You came upto me and uttered those words that i was dying to listen *Jiyu i love you* He used to call me jiu I was literally on top of the world Imagine your childhood crush turns into your boyfriend I was on cloud 9 I shared this with all my mates At such young age When i didnt even know the proper meaning of trust and love , i started to go deeper in your soul unaware of what it may lead to When you feel such heavy explosion of emotions at such tender age , it leads to two major paths One where you could be mentally destroyed And the other one where you could be mentally dead Its like walking beneath the lava For the first time in my life I started trusting a boy I started loving him even more Time faded away And as we all know nothing remains constant He got his eyes on his school mate She was perfect in every aspect He started lying to me And he proposed her but when she rejected his proposal he came back to me and begged me to stay For the first time i felt this huge pain in my chest I used to cry myself to bed Days were like numb dark pillows of sorrow I started taking sleeping pills cause i was too tired to sleep i was devasted and i know most of you wont get it but When you trust some one so badly they also get this power to destroy your whole existence Its been 3 years But i can still see the scar he gave to my heart I can still feel the agony of trusting someone badly And hence even after 3 years I feel scared of trusting anyone I feel scared of falling in love Cause now i am not that happy girl anymore I cry, i overthink, and i just cant trust anyone Oh my first love I hate you And i'll always hate you for this
The way his filthy hand graze my rosy skin slowly, gradually giving rise to my terror even my inner demon refused to show up due to his sadistic behaviour, he dragged me towards the bare window ripping my the fabric he thrust closer to me
He stared at my spooked eyes appeased with himself he scrapes my cheeks brutally this time hastily than before my body reacts critically he got hysterical at my abrupt turmoils conveying all the strength he punched me My nose was bleeding heavily I tasted my own blood unwillingly which was better than is touch
I refused to lose when my senses were robust but my body was slumping I tried shoving him away but he clutched my wrist awfully revealing his barbarous flank He grabbed a handful of my hair clenching his teeth not satisfied with himself he clutched my neck with his both hands squeezing bitterly
I was struggling to acquit myself from his grasp but I couldn't breathe my shaky voice was muffled by his dominant restraint I tried riding myself from his fatal gazes but my all strength goes on vain when he pressed his crusty lips on my neck
I was hopeless begging for mercy every part of me was a thunderstruck feeling of nausea knocks me I gave up when all attempt to save me failed he engulfed me but I was still breathing for the vengeance
I hear a scream of my inner self You can fight You have to fight Fight for women You for humanity
I thought for an extended where I was losing me someone else was winning me against me. A voice awakens my isolated strength which endowed my ability to thwart the foe I freed my hand kicked him harshly. He was shaken for a moment his seduced eyes vanished instantly. He opened and close mouth several times. I took an advantage plucked the first thing that my hand could reach. The flower vase whacks his head. I ran locking the door infrequently
You can win, you have to win, you have the right to win.
"What's with the clouds today? " I wonder sitting back in my armchair. "It's raining just like it did on the seventh night of August, five decades ago.
Five decades of memories of my faded love and broken past. A flame, still burning, still yearning for you to cup your hands around it and never let it go. Ever. But I think some of my wildest dreams, are better if they remain as dreams. Forever. "
I take out my needles and my gray yarn ball and out of nowhere my cat-she hops on it and in no time, all I see around me is messed up, gray wool. Just like my life. Messy. But I don't blame anyone for it. Nor the cat. I want to pick it up, knit it into a sweater but my bones feel too weak now. I feel tired. Shattered. Broken. Done with everything.
But I know it's not done yet. There's still so much left to be done. A sweater half knit, millions of emotions unspoken, thousands of apologies, a vist to a lavender farm, star gazing, sitting near the lake, picking up blue berries and so much more!
But life doesn't seem to be the same anymore. Everything has changed. Everything. Only I and my past remained. I bend down to pick up the mess, just like I picked up the pisces of my broken heart five decades ago.
I hear the door bell ring. Before I can even question, it rings again. Then a loud thump. And the impatient soul at the other side of the door screams my name, "Maria! " This sounded familiar. I have heard this before. THIS. THIS IS THE VOICE THAT GAVE ME ORGASMS. I know this. I know him. Is that him?? I take a step forward, rebelling against my weak legs. "I am coming, I am coming" I say. But I cannot. Everything seems so blurry. The next thing I know... I am laying on the ground & my head hurts. My heart does too. I hear my cat crying. The thump on the door getting louder. But I just cannot.
I close my eyes. What a disconnect. A disconnect much like a bliss. Heavenly. Guilt free. I need not worry about anything anymore. This feels so good.
The last thing I wanted, was to know who awaited me the other side of the door.
It's only I who knew how much I had loved him. How much I had dreamt. Fallen. Broken. Anticipated. All in vain. For that one night, that one storm, on the seventh night of August-- had ruined it all. Had taken it all away from me. Once and for all. It had left me shattered. With scars; so deep, can't ever be healed. But now that it's all over, I think, this and many other secrets of my past just like who was on the other side of the door, will be buried with me.
As I get get ready to leave it all behind, forever, a thought crosses my mind, "what day is it today?.... Oh wait! Isn't it the seventh night of August?? "