You come and you look at my heart. You leave no footprints but you wear a smile. That smile is my sun and it keeps me warm, a hundred and one nights later. My dreams have been silenced into loud nightmares. So my every breath is a screaming quiet. I exhale poetry with each inhale of life. It's sort of a lifeline, more like a life raft for one who wasn't born to understand how oxygen swims. A few things make me smile, not fake smile but really smile. Like the waves crashing upon my cracking skin as you prepare for a retreat with the stars. A hundred and one nights later, the day breaks my night. But I have no dreams left. No nightmare dreaming. No sun. No star. No faith. No fears. No nothing. Just a body looking for its soul on a beach where you once smiled back at me a hundred and one days ago. Sometimes I wonder where to go from a inner dream where I lost myself. I steel myself from a thunder of hurt that knows where exactly to find a love you took away with you. I don't know how happy people do it. I'm not sure who gave them the secret ingredient to the recipe of a perfect life. But I'm more lost than I've ever been found. And I have no where else to go except a heart that is falling down beside your feet, hoping that your heart was created to build castles with its pieces. I pour these words on no one but your desert, I mean your absence, my every present has never forgotten to remember to forget to love you forever.
One… The number of times I wanted you to leave.
Two… The number of people who came to pull me off of the bathroom floor after you were gone.
Three... The number of months it took me to get out of bed without falling to my knees.
Four... The number of drinks it takes to numb the pain.
Five… The number of times I thought of calling you.
Six… The number of times I retype a text before giving up.
Seven… The number of years I have bad luck for breaking the mirror you used to write “I love you” on.
Eight… The number of times I accidentally drove to your house out of habit.
Nine… The number of months it took me to say your name aloud again.
Ten… The number of months it took you to realised that your biggest mistake was not staying, But it’s too late
I'm hiding in a bathroom Trying to hold back my tears for one night Once I manage to hide the pain I return to my night Laughing as if I'm okay, smiling to show everyone I'm fine
Finally I'm home yet you're still out I wonder what it is your doing now All I know is that you're with her You're loving her like you use to love me But I'm not on your mind You've left me behind
I'm in the shower trying to wash away the though if you The hot water burns at my skin But I feel nothing, I am numb I feel no emotion as I think of you Feeling has become to hard I ding want to feel like this anymore
There's blood dropping down my heart Really, I swear I'm alright Even with you still on my mind All I need is to leave Leave you like you left me You made it look so easy
I feel my body start to drift off to sleep Then you start to appear in my dreams There no place I can go to get away You're always around me And I just want to be free Please
I cling to the thought of you like the air I breathe. So invisible, yet so powerful. I couldn't live without you and haven't lived without you in more ways than one. I could never hold air, and I had to let go of your slippery hand but like the oxygen in my lungs, you remain in my heart. Like the haem in my heart, you gave me life. You remained in my mind like a human photograph standing in front of me. Silently tearing me apart, so unshakeable, utterly unforgettable. Like the carbon dioxide gushing out my nostrils, the time has come for me to let every breath of you I took in, out. For me to let me grow and blossom into a flower that loves another just as deeply as I loved you. I will miss you like dead things miss oxygen. I will rise up like dead seeds become trees. I have written you in every poem, you are forever smeared on the pages of me. Your touch is still tattooed on my skin but today I bathe in the light of day, and as the rays tangle up around my face and body, the darkness of your absence would be washed away from my soul. And as the clouds gather up above my head, in one, two, three moments... I will be born again.
I miss you so so much. It’s still hard for me to grasp the concept that you are not coming back and that I won’t see you again till it’s my time. I want to tell you I’m sorry that we lost touch towards the end. Life does this crazy thing to us. We always just assume there will be a next time. “Oh we will hang out next week or tomorrow, but the truth is we really never know what tomorrow brings. In the blink of an eye or even in the next hour someone’s life can change forever. It’s pretty scary actually. Unfortunately in this case there wasn’t a next time but no matter what I will hold on to the good times. I loved the fact that even if you and I didn’t talk for a couple months we would talk forever and it was like there was never that lapse in time. I will always miss your laugh, smile and our conversations. So I laugh and don’t cry and remember the good times rather than think of this tragedy. I guess I will never know till I see you again. I am grateful for all the time I have spent with you during your journey here and I want you to know that you have a spot in my heart forever. You will always be remember in my dreams Lastly, I want to thank you for always being here for me through all the tough times, for being a true patner and. I wish you knew what a positive impact you were to everybody around you. You are truly loved and missed. Love Always forever nd ever
I looked into my mirror today. All I saw was a lot of dark, a rising night, a setting sad. A lot of dreams I could not live, a lot of me I could not be, a lot of you I could not see. I realized these words would not save me, that this silence could break me, that this music cannot fill me. I looked in the mirror and I felt alone, even though words were holding me, helping me, healing me. You looked in your mirror and your eyes saw me in ways my mirror never could. You saw a flood of light, a breaking day, a thousand stars. All your doors were closed, but your windows saw me, so I climbed into your world... your eyes let me in.
Looking through breath-stained windows, I reach for your hand and catch air. It takes a moment for me to realize I'm holding a memory. It feels like I'm watching everything from space, and in a minute, I'll hear my name and I'll wake. But you don't say my name anymore, no, not in that way no one else on earth knew to pronounce my name. A way that told me you thought of me, a way that said you loved me. You are everywhere in my nowhere, in every dream, in every song, screaming in my silence. The broken sky seems close enough to touch. So I stand still in the rain and let it touch my tears. I let the floor holdhellip; everything love broke in me.
I've always wanted to hold you, with more than words, with more than silence. With some soul, with all my heart love all your spirit. I've always wanted to tell you "I love you", without three words, without that silence. In looking for the perfect words, I found this silence that's held my hands in place of yours. Within this silence, I've screamed a thousand words that gently whisper "I still love you"... even if in silence.
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