If I am being perfectly honest, I have been feeling stuck lately as I want to write something else than the usual melancholy that I do. Nature is always a source of inspiration and I have been trying to incorporate it in my writings, so here is one such attempt, I hope you like it. Thank you @mirakee for giving people like me a platform to share our art, which might not be perfect, but is indeed Meraki.
You see Ruble, when I said I didn't deserve you I think I knew somewhere deep down that it was the truth. It was never about you TBH, it was me, always me, being so uptight and rigid and firm on my beliefs, playing the martyr, not wanting to believe that I deserved happiness. You, my God, you were breath of fresh air in my dreary existence and I thought I was doing you a favor by pushing you out of my life, how fucked up was I thinking that you needed me when it was the other way around. But now it's so freakin late that I don't want to caise you any more grief and I know that whatever I do right now in the mess that I am is going to fuck up things even more. Ruble, you know, I was insecure, childish, obstinate, so many things that I wish I wasn't, but here I am in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping thinking about you when I wasted the whole day doing nothing. I think there's something inherently wrong with me that I mess things up, I have no patience. I thought I was a writer, well I try to be, but all this sadness is it real or just a way to seek your attention. Ruble, Ruble, Ruble, God I wish I had some sense to not mess up with you.
I miss you too much Ruble, everything is just a distraction to escape from the thoughts of you that rule my mind. Everything I do reminds me of you, I think of different things and you pop up into my mind, I see a movie and I think if you, a TV show and there you are. I see a zodiac sign page and keep thinking what's going on with you. So much I have to do to get you out of my mind, but still I cannot and I hate being this obsessiveness that I have got going on.
I'm afraid Ruble. I'm afraid that I have gotten mixed this obsessiveness for love, but I do think I love you, but if I have to think then is it really love. And when I said I don't deserve you I knew that you needed someone who would bring the stars and moons for you and in that moment no matter how much I tried or wanted I knew I wasn't right for you, but this thing keeps on nagging at the back of my mind, like an itch of how do I really feel about you. I can't even remember when was the day I last spoke to you, it's all a blur and this quarantine sure as hell isn't helping matters.
My Ruble, my sweet, sweet Panda Ruble, you deserve the world and I wish I was there beside you to experience it with you.