We all wish for a happy ending but while wishing for that happy end which we can't really control, we often ignore the happy present, the reality that is very much there. Humans have always craved for they want and have neglected or never truly valued what they have, well that's a common behaviour but the thing is it is alarmingly common in today's time, and in order to get what they want, people tend to take desperate measures which might effect people around them, usually negatively. Well there's this that, "be careful for what you wish for, to have something you have to lose something".
Wednesday, 6 January 2021 9:00 PM
*sitting up on the terrace on a cold winter night there were thousands of thoughts hurling in D's mind and all he wished for is peace*
"Why can't life be just simple for once, without any problems, without any complications, without any hurt or any pain. Without anyone, just me and this beautiful world all to myself. It's hard for me to hold on, i'm stumbling along the way, please if there is someone out there watching over us, please just listen to me"
*D then lied down looking up to the sky at the twinkling stars and then getting lost in them...*
*And then suddenly, a bright white light appears and then D finds himself walking on a road, the road is completely empty and the surroundings quiet, no sign of life at all as if everyone is just disappeared and he keeps walking as if he doesn't care anymore, as if he wished for exactly this.
Everyone has vanished from the planet except D, and as soon as he realises this he screams with joy. He starts singing and dancing like he's free after being put in a cage for years. He drove around in cars he dreamt of, took any cloth he liked from the shops, he was having the time of his life, sitting and drinking in the middle of a highway, breaking glass of the cars shops cause why not we all have dreamt of doing this atleast for once. But for how long? For how long this all will give the peace which D wished for, a month?, 2 weeks? or maybe just 1 week, well, it took 3 days when the peaceful quietness became eerie silence, when peace became paranioa and this beautiful world became hysterical one. Now the freedom that was letting D to breathe freely is now suffocating him in this open world, for a moment it's all quiet and then suddenly there are screaming sound saying,
"You seem scared, why? Isn't this what you wished for" [devil's laugh] D started running, away from this sound in hope for this all to get over and then after running continuously for a while he stopped, exhausted, he falls to his kness before fainting on the ground. Then again that bright white light appears and D finds himself lying on the terrace looking at the stars, he stoop up hurriedly and looked around, there are people around, and it's not quiet anymore. He took a sigh of relief and then lit up his cigarette and laughed while crying*
they say there are two sides of a gemini it might be hard to see but i can't deny i see myself partying all night and i see myself to get away from light this or that in my head i'm always thinking you know a gemini can be quite confusing i'd be going over things still i can't decide if i'm up for it i probably lied taking my time as i wanna be alone all these battles i fight'em on my own i'm the angel, i'm the devil always trying to break free but it's hard to come through when i'm the one who's fighting me
"Well who wouldn't laugh seeing that confused face you make"
"C'mon doc ssshhh"
"Okay okay what happened then?"
Then she just sat on the bench and said,
"So what's your story? What made you come here at 4am on the first day of the new year alone with a cigarette but no lighter"
"Well the story is looong but i come to this place when it's quiet, when everyone's sleeping , i sit and just look at the citylights and smoke cigarette, here i be at peace"
"I know this place is amazing, we just shifted in the neighbourhood few days back and then i discovered this place and now i come here everyday to sing, to dance and to forget everything and be just me"
"Ooo so that's why i haven't seen you here before, well before you were here i had this place all to myself but i guess now i have to share"
"Is there any problem in that? and also you don't own this place so you have no option so sssshhhhh"
"Well then i guess...welcome....you have a name or i have to call you miss stranger?"
"Stacy...my name's Stacy and you are?"
"You can call me D, i prefer it"
"Okayy so D tell me don't you get bored just sitting here and doing nothing?"
"I believe sometimes we should just sit, breathe easy and have our own company coz you don't have to explain anything to anyone and it helps me to get my shit back together"
"Umm can't argue on that, i agree sometimes being alone is all you need to get over the things hurling in your mind. Tell me are you free tomorrow?"
"Umm yess, why"
"You seem like a genuine person and i don't know anyone here so would you mind showing me around i wanna explore"
"Cigarettes will be on me, deal?"
"Well okay then we have a deal"
"Yess i'm excited"
"So yeah this is it now we gonna go out tomorrow doc"
"That's great D, i haven't seen you so happy in a while or say ever since i met you"
"Idk doc let's hope it goes okay"
"It will be D, it will be, have faith"
2nd January 2021 Saturday
D went to the spot but Stacy didn't come, he waited and waited and waited and now he's alone, again, like before.
[Screaming] Dr.Nair....Dr.Nair......are you home?, open up
"Coming coming wait"
*door opens* "D?, wait, is this really you? Let me get my specs maybe i need to get my eyes checked"
"Ha ha funny"
"No i mean you at my doorstep at 12 noon and not 12 am kind of weird, no"
"But it's important doc i need to tell you something"
"Wait a minute, you are here at 12 noon and you are excited about something, oh my god 2021 will really be a magical year" "Come on come inside it's good to have someone to visit on the first day of the year"
"So doc how was your new year party?"
"New year party?, more like new year new book i spent all the time reading the new book i got, remember that...."
"Yeah yeah that book, bleh, don't bore me with this nerd talk and listen to what happened with me, doc, i am feeling happy, like seriously, happy"
"I can see that on your face idiot, blushing and smiling non-stop, so are you going to tell me or what"
"I don't how to explain, i met this girl..."
"Ooooo you met a girl haa, is she the one you've been talking about the one who' name you haven't tell me?"
"No why do you keep bring her up whenever i talk about some girl"
"Coz we have been talking about only her everytime i guess"
"Yeahh fine but no it's not about her. Will you please now let me talk"
"Okay okay i'm quiet now, go on"
"So i met this girl today at the same spot where i use to go, my place where i find peace and there she was all alone with a cigarette in her hand, singing song and and dancing like no one's watching and well there was no one except me yeah, then she fell on the ground and yk what she did next"
"Yess yess ik i was there too"
"Wait what? Really?"
"Agghhhh doc, nevermind so then she gave herself a hand and stood up like she don't need anyone, and her smile, looking at her smile made me smile, me doc, i was smiling and laughing looking at her"
"That is great D, really is, what no one was able yo do this girl did even without talking to yoj just by being herself, i'm looking forward to meey her, but you said you met her so you guys did talk, or this what you meant by met, coz i know you and how shy you are"
"No no we did talk but it didn't start well but i managed, as i was smiling and laughing she saw me and came to, turns out she thought i was laughing coz she fell. Well i knew i was in danger i could see thag in her eyes so i stood from the bench and started walking away but then she shouted and said.... [ "hey you...what's funny haa? I know you were laughing at me, so what people fall all the time there's nothing to laugh about it, and who are you creep watching me with a unlit cigarette in your mouth"]
"Wooah she didn't take it well, i mean who would you were at her D"
"Nooo i wasn't laughing at her just the way she did what she did, it was more like you do i explain this"♂️
"Okay okay don't just tell me what happened next, what did you say?"
"She was talking and i was just staring her, and then she said.... [ "what? What are you looking at? Say something"] And i couldn't think of a reply and just pointed to my unlit cigarette and asked like a dumb, 'umm lighter?', and she stared at me for a moment, then burst into laughter"
*Car crashed on the roadside upside down, everything's quiet, just the ticking sound of blinking hazard lights, my vision's blurry but i can see flames coming out of the hood, then i hear a voice, someone calling out my name....D....D?....and a hand reaching out to me, removed my seatbelt as i was hooked to the seat upside down and then i fell off and passed out*
After God knows how much time i woke up as i opened my eyes looking at the ceiling light of a hospital. I can see Dr.Nair, my psychiatrist, talking to the Doctor and i see my clothes drenched in blood lying on a chair. I tried to get up but as i did i felt this unimaginable pain in my chest, right where my heart is, like something ripped it apart and i screamed with pain.
Dr.Nair and the other Doctor held me as they they raised the bed electronically. Then the Doctor told me, "Moving too much will hurt i would suggest not. D is it, right? I must say you are a lucky one to be still breathing after that accident"
"Why Doctor? What really happened?"
"Well D you broke couple of your ribs, a fracture on your left hand in the accident you met 2 nights ago but what's more serious is that a piece of glass got into your heart in that event, we would have to perform a surgery to remove it successfully from the anterior wall of the right ventricle to be specific"
"Wait....what do you mean 2 nights ago?"
"You have been unco...."
Dr.Nair interrupted the Doctor as he began to speak
"Can i talk to D for a moment....alone"
"Ofcourse Dr.Nair, i'd prepare for the tests in the mean time and you D, take it easy and don't move too much we got you"
"Yes Doctor i won't move this pain is no fun to me too and thank you"
Doctor left the room
"So D here we are again, you in the middle of something and i finding you yet again, only this time that something is big, How are we feeling? I mean it is hurting i can see but apart from that"
"Well Doc what can i say, i'm heartbroken, like literally...."
as i was laughing my laugh turned to a painful scream
"......but this heartbreak isn't letting me move on"
"Right ofcourse how can this all stop your lame jokes, it's safe to say that your head didn't bump into anything for sure"
"Doc what happened? I mean now i know what happened, how it happened?"
"I found your car on the night of Christmas, turned upside down on route 7, flames coming out of the hood, i dragged you out as you were not fully conscious and then you passed out, They are saying you were drunk and the police said you lost control at high speed and hit the divider which made your car roll over 7 times before stopping upside down"
"oh, yeahh yeahhi remember i was a little drunk"
"Okay might be a little more"
"D...D...D why are you doing this to yourself? Everytime you come to me broken to pieces and i try to help to let you pick your broken pieces and stick them together but then again you come to be broken, it's like you don't want to be whole again, like you give up everytime something happens"
"I don't know Doc, i don't know, i remember the time the accident happened, the car suddendly swirled to right, then blank and then i remember seeing the falmes with blurry vision, i could have avoided the crash but something held me back and i stood like a statue as if i wanted it to happen"
"But why you feel like this D? What is it that is letting you from saving yourself? You feel yourself guilty of something you did? or is it that you are tired of facing your problems? Tell me we'll talk ot through"
"Doc do you ever wonder what it would be like, like to be dead, where do we go next? Do you believe in the heaven and hell? Is all this suffering ends as we die or does it all comes due to us later in a way? I'm really curious what you think"
"Changing the topic won't change the reality D, why keep running away from things, ignore them, for once try to understand yourself, you seem lost, trying to find yourself but failing everytime. And no i don't know what happens to us after we die and i'm not interested in finding out and neither should you, cause whatever it may be but this life, it is the best thing you got, don't waste it, live it"
"Ahhgg...life...death...this...that...my head hurts talking about all this"
"Okay you need rest have some sleep we've have been talking non-stop for an hour or so, we'll continue this tomorrow after the Doctors remove that glass piece from your heart cause i can no more bare that heartbroken joke"
"Have some sleep like for 2 nights ?"
Dr.Nair was laughing but i can see through his smile he was worried, worried about me cause i may be lucky to be alive till now but it's way more serious than what it looks like....i can feel it....
07:30 PM Sunday, 27th December 2020
.....Doctors rushed into the room no. 7 as the patient there was choking to his own blood...they tried but failed to save that patient.....
Dr.Nair was on the ground floor as his phone wrang... A voice said over the phone, "Dr.Nair"
"It Doctor ABC form XYZ hospital, you might need to be here"
Dr.Nair rushed out of the cafeteria as he took the stairs
"I'm on way....What happened Doctor?"
"D is no more, we couldn't save him"
Dr.Nair stopped running....and stood there like a statue? Tears falling out of his eyes.....
I'm a woman , who is taught to stay inside Because I'm not safe outside . People will raise questions on me because I'm a woman and I'm not allowed to do all the things men are permitted to do . There are so many times the society will tell you to shut your mouth in front of Men . Men are superior and you can't raise your voice against them . Yes this Patriarchy system is eating me inside .
Women are asked to do household work , From making the morning tea to washing the Utensils of night .. because it's a gender role ( a major barrier and myth ) It's not a gender role but a necessity that everyone should learn . But I can't change it , because even the ladies of my house says : It is how it is . This inferiority complex is making me weak .
Under a major illusion of equality , oppression of women is still considered as a traditional . Women is still considered as a machine to give births . Women are still treated With derogatory remarks and seen with immoral eyes . I used to feel disappointed for being a girl but now I feel disappointed because I'm a part of this impaired , selective and orthodox society .
and then as we took right from under the cold lamppost, he unhurriedly brought his body near to mine through his sweatshirt as if, he was trying to put me close to his breathing, and his hands trying to search for mine in the intense darkness of the moonlight.
He with leisure in his eyes looked at me and murmured to sit with him on the lonely bench by the corner of the town park under the silhouette of cherry blossom,
The mild drifting zephyr was touching my cheeks and then his as if was enabling us to touch.
My Heart and My Breathe were running and my eyes could find a sight to rest, I was all that one may call as anxious and this wasn't only me, he was sweating too and then summoning all his courage he offered me his pair of earphones to share with him over his favorite muse, I held them and put one into my ear he played a song and I couldn't resist looking at him, maybe my eyes finally found what they were looking for.
Then slowly he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to his heartbeat, I could hear "our" hearts beating, they were as if in synchronization, and with this, he made his lips meet my cheeks and then shifted towards my lips, I closed my eyes telling him that I was ready and then he slowly pressed mine against his.
Lately, I've been exhausted by closing chapters and beginning them again to feel the trauma of life. I've been tired of recouping thoughts to engrave them on blank pages though they were meant to quiver forever in the whirlpool of my mind.
Depression has no solution. The monsters beneath your bed will always write you letters, inked with your blue blood to kill you every night. Your sanity will never feel sane again. It's not always about wailing or doing absurd things, sometimes silence is more destructive than noise.
Anxiety is not easy to deal with. Shortage of breath in the open air and feeling desolate with the people who love and care for us is not common. Holding up to a heart that constantly feels heavy and hurt is terrible. No phrase is composed to describe the feeling of utter pain. How can people understand things until they haven't felt them?
Hope is a useless word that makes us keep wobbling in the spiral of life. We hope that things will get better soon and we will make our way out of this labyrinth but things get better only to be worse again.
Has the feeling of onism ever triggered your mind where you realized how little of the world you'll ever experience... Imagine sitting on the sea shore with your own book of life in hands and you are turning those pages rethinking if some characters in that book were even neccessary......
Do memories leave a bloody scar after you ruthlessly try to join those bestrewed pieces of your own faulty decisions...heart wrenching, isn't it?
Have you ever imagined being standing amidst the scary dingles with no way ahead except feelings of creep and chill running down your spine... But you still adore that warmth, maybe cuz you are alone and that's what you want .. Maybe...
Have your aequoreal soul ever forced you To completely immerse in blueth?for then the clysmic aura of ocean can even help in cleansing your soul and thoughts......