tainted_halo

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  • tainted_halo 8w

    you can kiss her scars boy
    tell her you love her
    you can hold her tight
    throughout cloudy nughts
    but you will never get the joy of hearing her story
    she has alot of pain boy
    she tries to bury it deep
    I beg you
    don’t go knocking on graves
    if you are terrified of broken skulls
    there are skeletons in her closet boy
    and you have a loaded gun
    its up to you if you want to shoot and become another murderer
    another memory
    another story locked away in her minds cemetery
    or do you aim to pick up the broken pieces
    mend them together and show her you mean no harm

    she may never learn to trust you boy
    but she will love enough for you to overlook the fact that she will never have a high expectation of you
    she wakes daily waiting for you to disappoint her
    her heart aches with the knowledge that you will one day through it all away
    you too will tear a piece of her sanity away
    she will learn to live with a little less empathy, a little less love, a little less hope
    she was never optimistic boy but in tearing her you have caused damage to her fractured soul
    you will change her boy
    and she has been changed so many times

    you may not hand her her skeleton wrapped in a pretty bow to hang amongst her former personalities.

    boy , promise me you wont let her grow cold for she is on the verge of it.
    her last skeleton was her trust she gave up long ago now all that is left is her love.

    she’s already dangerously in love with you boy
    just take your time and let her grow
    let her regain all that she has lost
    let her know that love belongs in her heart
    don’t speak to her boy
    just listen
    and watch
    promise me you will never hurt her
    her love just cannot be lost forever
    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 8w

    Unless you wake up from your poisoned slumber
    you will never make it child
    can’t you see
    the truth has left you gasping for air
    now the light is your greatest fear.
    you have found peace in the darkness yet you still crave the light open your eyes child this isn’t right.
    They say they love you
    you believed it
    they say you’re ugly
    you said you always knew it
    child make up your mind
    seeing is believing
    and something isn’t right with your vision
    it has seemingly altered every one of your decisions
    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 8w

    Sweet child, promise that you will stay you
    I beg don’t allow this world to taint you.
    close your ears to their words
    allow yourself the time to grieve
    grieve the loss of your innocence
    to grieve the loss of the people you call parents
    their words are vile darling
    their hands are coarse
    stop trying to meet their eyes
    if you believe this world is pure you can’t be healed
    forgive yourself for what they’ve done
    or else you will die alone
    Understand sweet girl
    forgiveness is not for them
    it is for the comfort of your own soul
    learn to love yourself child
    learn to show the world your truth
    you are precious child
    convention has nothing on you
    A woman who expresses herself
    notwithstanding the ideals and morals of an unjust society
    is a woman perfect despite the doubts
    your past is not you darling
    sweet child learn that your silence speaks volumes
    learn that your standards don’t have to match that of this world
    be bold
    be beautiful
    be you
    be broken but perfect
    for one who has never been mended will never know the things you’ve seen
    one who has received it all will never know the stories behind your actions
    darling hold true to who you are
    don’t allow this world to taint you
    you may feel lonely
    but you are loved dear heart
    piercings, sexuality, tattoos and all
    girl child pastors do not hold the key to the gates of heaven
    they do not have the authority to turn you back
    be smart child
    know things for yourself and you may never be deceived
    I love you girl
    because I have been there
    so I know how it feels to be lonely
    I know how it feels to hate yourself
    for self love is not easy
    contrary to whatever society may say
    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 8w

    If the eyes are mirrors to the soul
    then your empty depths symbolize that your mirrors are broken
    Your smile may never reach that fathomless darkness
    empty your soul dear
    you cannot horde such trauma
    hold onto my hand
    I promise to try my best and keep you standing
    smile for the world
    keep your beauty shining
    you are loved
    despite your flaws
    you are perfect child just the way you are

    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 9w

    let it hurt
    let it heal
    then
    let it go

    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 9w

    Ive often imagined my own death,
    the faces of mourners
    and the joy they must feel knowing i took my life
    but the guilt is still knawing at them
    because no one understands exactly why.
    see ive cried too many times to waste tears on frivolous occasions
    and i imagine myself looking down at my casket
    and that excuse for sorry mourners
    i'm not pleased with my work
    i still imagine ways i couldve ended it
    more creative methods with a bit less pain perhaps
    but as i imagine death....
    my own death
    i realize one grand factor that ive missed
    and although ive seemed to outgrow religious teachings
    i cant help but hear the voices of those who taught me like metal scarping against a blackboard
    annoying enough to catch my attention
    reminding me of hell
    so ive dreamt of hell
    ive imagined what it would be like
    and though not so different from my world ,
    ive learnt its not too pleasant
    so ive searched for death without hell
    because i want the rainbow without the damn hurricane
    can you blame me when ive been through so many damn storms just to only catch a glimpse of sunshine every now and again.
    I am dying inside
    yet i still dream of dying as if the second time will be better
    like i wont awake in eternal torture
    my mind is still indecisive.
    ive walked and cried so much more than ive been hugged and told its alright
    not that I want your pity but i bet youve never thought of why is she like this
    you create a hell for me with my help
    and then stand aside to watch me rot
    so thank you to the people who saw me
    hurting
    breaking
    dying
    and just stood there applauding
    because its so much better to get the raw emotion because it captivates an audience
    people rather hear your testimony and your struggle than actually help you
    and its sad isnt it that i should lay before you an open book
    and allow you to judge my decisions and mistakes
    but f*** society
    I no longer care if im broken beyond repair
    since those who broke me have already started a fire
    and ill be damned if they too dont get burned with me

    Read More

    I’ve dreamt of hell
    I’ve imagined what it would be like
    and though not so different from my world ,
    I’ve learnt its not too pleasant
    so I’ve searched for death without hell
    because I want the rainbow without the hurricane
    can you blame when I’ve been through so many storms just to only catch a glimpse of sunshine every now and again.
    I am dying inside
    yet I still dream of dying as if the second time will be better

  • tainted_halo 9w

    this generation can no longer stand tall when each step echo dissapproval

    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 9w

    society no longer caters for the broken souls
    and if our function truly is to love and to hold
    then what exactly should we do when society breaks the very bold
    and if tears are a sign of weakness then what exactly does it mean to be strong
    to have strength
    if we fail to see beauty when will we recognize the value of gold.
    for the broken ones are priceless artifacts
    whose admiration is often left untold.
    if i could tell you of the society we live in we'd each have a eutopia of our own
    when will we accept the fact that we are all broken
    each depressed and unwanted
    we cant all belong somewhere
    cant all be beautiful
    but if we live to be judged
    then we live to see ourselves through the eyes of others
    to cry ourselves to sleep at night
    and clutch our pillows tightly to our breast
    I apologize for who we are
    i apologize for soiled pillows and broken hearts
    mascara running on sunny days
    i apologize for what we see
    the darkness in our heads
    hazy havens with no harmony
    understand child
    society caters not for us
    but if we learn to be united
    fight not against each other
    do you think we can overcome?
    or does the majority always have the power?
    we force ourselves to feel ok
    bottle feelings to not be the weird ones
    but if we realized how much damage it can cause
    we'd let each emotion go like the people we have already lost
    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 9w

    Sometimes when we vent we have no pretty words to say. I've forgotten the art of writing and all i do now is say things I cant say out loud , things I cant tell those around me or people I know. I heard I need to let it go, so I guess losing my talent is the best way. If people dont know you I suppose they cant exactly judge you. Neither can they break you.
    Single you out or openly hate you for things you still cannot control. I guess I'm still trying to un bottle some emotions that keep me from silently going insane. To alleviate my panic attacks and anxiety at the slightest compliment or whispered perverted words. There is soooooo much more but I keep holding back , because those things, feeling,thoughts,actions will get me judged. Nobody understands because they have not been there.

    the lack of capitalization and punctuation isnt a mistake

    Read More

    i guess its my fault right
    i mean i didnt scream
    i said no, but i didnt fight hard enough
    too ashamed to let it out so
    i wouldnt wear that chapter on my sleeves
    i started cutting instead
    i remember the first time he was aware of it
    his words were that i missed his attention

    NO !!!!

    I was dying i wanted him to stop getting into my bed when i was asleep
    i wanted him to stop invading
    wanted to break his roaming hands
    but each day i got up spending hours to scrub the feeling away
    yes I know I'm still dirty
    the feeling still remains
    you can never forget 8 years of suffering
    scrubbing sore just to be felt again
    looked on and fondeled
    but i guess bathrooms weren’t private he could still touch me
    and he made sure to do so every chance he got
    I am dumb to such matters because i try to ignore it


    "dont tell anyone"
    "its for your protection "
    "i'm looking out for you doing the job your mother should have but she's not here so just relax"

    "STOP!!!"
    I wanted you to stop
    but you scolded me every time i resisted every time you tried and i escaped
    i didnt want to be left alone with you but concious or not you still took advantage
    wearing the most unpresentable clothing
    dressing so conventionally
    long skirts and shirts with a million tights and marinos
    I wanted to hide myself
    to feel safe on my skin
    it was all I asked and never got
    I questioned God and hid my shame
    Children my age would laugh and prey
    i hated revealing clothing
    skirts became a phobia long or short because somehow you didnt care what I wore

    and now the memories taunt me
    gone two years but its changed me
    i still cut guess i'm happier that i left but the memories remain
    the evil I knew seems more pleasant now
    with my eyes dilated
    and 10 pills to numb the pain
    two set is expired
    I guess thats why I am addicted to the numbness coursing through my veins
    throwing up with a spinning head
    like its all part of a game

    i still cant say anything so i take time trying to fit in
    still afraid of men
    still afraid of touches
    still afraid of sexual remarks
    and the front of cars
    creeped out by stares

    you read without understanding
    probably wont get the idea
    so don’t dare form a pity party
    and say you know what I mean
    I am not a charity case
    I am not someone’s story
    I am not my past
    I am weak
    I am torn
    I am lonely inside from pushing so many people away
    I cant let you get close enough to know enough
    to see my scars and realize what’s wrong
    I trust so few with a quarter of my pain
    I want to vent but not for pity
    all I ask is that you listen
    don’t respond
    don’t pray for me
    don’t say you understand
    you don’t understand
    I wish you would

    please try to understand that
    I STILL HATE ME

    i guess i'm the reason after all
    i mean he’s no longer here
    yet i'm still getting pounced on
    what am i doing wrong
    or is this God's punishment
    his way of telling me that i'm living right
    i mean it wouldnt make sense but i still cant wash his hands off
    still feel like shit for everything
    and i still bottle those feelings up because no one knows what went on whats going on
    too afraid of judgemental stares labels and all
    because society doesnt seem to care cause in the end they always amount it to what you said
    wore
    did
    how you acted
    I just thank God it didn’t get too far
    Thank him because I don’t know what would have happened of I kept silent much longer
    call it naive
    but for once I’m not pessimistic
    Its not been naive when I say I don’t think he would’ve gone as far as to ruin me
    my innocence was stolen in each touch
    but my body is still pure
    what if I stayed what if those years of touching came to an end with a loss of something I wasn’t ready for anyone to take.
    i wish i could turn back the hands of time
    i would try to do things better
    so it wouldnt have happened
    I miss the life i left behind
    and for taking that
    I HATE YOU
    I HATE SOCIETY
    but most of all
    I HATE ME


    ©tainted_halo

  • tainted_halo 9w

    Written august 24,2019
    Edited june 4, 2020
    Pace of poem is fast at some instances and slow at some
    wasn’t exactly composed properly but ohh well
    wish I could say it since it sounds better that way considering how it should be read idk idk whatever ya man
    🇯🇲✊🏿🖤✊🏾🤎

    RIP to those that have fallen
    and O empathize with those that have lost someone to this brutality over the years
    together we stand, together we fall
    #blacklivesmatter #stoptheinjustice #survivors

    Read More

    Dear America

    Freedom isn't free
    don't ever be fooled
    freedom isnt free
    cant you just educate the youths
    i can see where you were mistaken
    in the way they handed it to us
    wrapped in pretty ribbons
    can h fathom the delusions of congress
    did they
    really believe we would fall for that
    receiving their compassion in private
    and bashed in public
    did they think we wouldn't see beyond their 'kindness'
    but what joy it was to receive the one thing we've longed for
    they refused to tell us that upon taking such a gift we signed our lives over to them
    we had to walk
    on blurred lines and
    kept under manners if even by force
    because the only color they know are those from the MnMs packages they constantly consume trying to show us how we can be easily devoured if they felt like it


    its the 21st century and we are still behind on payments for our freedom
    pardon i didn't mean everyone just the few
    those too bountiful in melanin
    hair much too nappy
    hips way too wide
    yet your fathers grandfathers uncles brothers husbands and sons all lust after us
    sacks of flesh without value
    are t we only
    sex toys to be used and discarded
    our men to be shot and punished
    when they try to protect us from your gazes
    we can never forget your filthy touch scorching our skins
    how dare you consider us to be the problem when we refuse to become you

    it seems as if we are only equal to God
    why else would we both get life and death
    and if not so then
    does it really lay in your hands
    but i guess thats rhetorical considering treyvon martins death
    oh i apologize did you think it would be so easy to forget one of my generation who died by the hands of your people
    see this is a historical fact that you cant rewrite while I'm still alive because though i may have been taught by brainwashed teachers and history books written by your authors i am not stupid enough to believe it was all true

    freedom isn't free yet we took it anyhow because we wanted it sooo bad
    we refused to see your sinister grin as you shoved that spoon into our mouths causing us to taste honey rather than the bitter water that cascaded down our tongues
    it was cool those few years when we didn't recognize it
    but its far too late
    and the taste has killed a bit too much of our noble race
    To be black is to be mistreated
    to be black is to be abused
    to be black is to be confused
    to be black is to be afraid
    to be black is to be deadly , a thug, a hoe or simply dead

    I said to be black is to be dumb because in America they have no vision
    color blind so they see nothing besides black white white and white far too superior to us so how dare you say you are a country of many nations
    hispanics and arabs
    how dare you say all lives matter when you have damaged the innocence of far too many babies
    teaching them that black is a crime
    a badge of shame
    a symbol of danger
    how can you tell babies that melanin is a weapon
    when they played so well with the nappy headed black babies
    can we let the past be the past and just pretend to care for each other

    if our skin is a curse
    if our existence a nusience
    then why do you claim that all lives matter
    why would so many black youths take their last breath on your concrete pavement stained with the blood of predessors
    all black might i add why is the only color you love to see on us is red but then again thats not entirely true unless you know for certain we are dead

    freedom isnt free
    especially not when we still have to bow our heads to the tortured words of an anthem that black men dread
    'and the rockets red glare' synonymous to the blood of our fallen brothers spilling over into your hands
    the ' bombs bursting in the air' do you speak of bombs for us or the guns held to our heads by your people
    i am certain of words every black immigrant has spoken To hell with your equality to hell we say to your freedom.

    Dear America what do we have to do to get our freedom. Will we have to burn the country our ancestor’s build with their sweat and tears. Do we need to finally prove that our silence is not a sign of weakness. Dear America we are tired of losing our men to your unjust system. Dear America we protest because we deserve better we are humans, we are one. Our children should live.

    ©tainted_halo