Ive often imagined my own death, the faces of mourners and the joy they must feel knowing i took my life but the guilt is still knawing at them because no one understands exactly why. see ive cried too many times to waste tears on frivolous occasions and i imagine myself looking down at my casket and that excuse for sorry mourners i'm not pleased with my work i still imagine ways i couldve ended it more creative methods with a bit less pain perhaps but as i imagine death.... my own death i realize one grand factor that ive missed and although ive seemed to outgrow religious teachings i cant help but hear the voices of those who taught me like metal scarping against a blackboard annoying enough to catch my attention reminding me of hell so ive dreamt of hell ive imagined what it would be like and though not so different from my world , ive learnt its not too pleasant so ive searched for death without hell because i want the rainbow without the damn hurricane can you blame me when ive been through so many damn storms just to only catch a glimpse of sunshine every now and again. I am dying inside yet i still dream of dying as if the second time will be better like i wont awake in eternal torture my mind is still indecisive. ive walked and cried so much more than ive been hugged and told its alright not that I want your pity but i bet youve never thought of why is she like this you create a hell for me with my help and then stand aside to watch me rot so thank you to the people who saw me hurting breaking dying and just stood there applauding because its so much better to get the raw emotion because it captivates an audience people rather hear your testimony and your struggle than actually help you and its sad isnt it that i should lay before you an open book and allow you to judge my decisions and mistakes but f*** society I no longer care if im broken beyond repair since those who broke me have already started a fire and ill be damned if they too dont get burned with me
Sometimes when we vent we have no pretty words to say. I've forgotten the art of writing and all i do now is say things I cant say out loud , things I cant tell those around me or people I know. I heard I need to let it go, so I guess losing my talent is the best way. If people dont know you I suppose they cant exactly judge you. Neither can they break you. Single you out or openly hate you for things you still cannot control. I guess I'm still trying to un bottle some emotions that keep me from silently going insane. To alleviate my panic attacks and anxiety at the slightest compliment or whispered perverted words. There is soooooo much more but I keep holding back , because those things, feeling,thoughts,actions will get me judged. Nobody understands because they have not been there.
the lack of capitalization and punctuation isnt a mistake
Written august 24,2019 Edited june 4, 2020 Pace of poem is fast at some instances and slow at some wasn’t exactly composed properly but ohh well wish I could say it since it sounds better that way considering how it should be read idk idk whatever ya man 🇯🇲✊🏿🖤✊🏾🤎