You sit in the dark corner of the room familiar to the unknown demons within you... staring at the pristine white walls that were so pleasant once, you realise you can only paint them in all shades of grey, but not white... that is the price you have paid for your imperfections
The ceiling appears to be like blurred mirror filled with stains of your deeds... and as you look up at it, you can see yourself fading away, hiding behind the doors of your wild directionless dreams
all the maps that you once drew now seem to have ended..the pain that once crawled your heart.. has now found its home..
your eyes are wide open..swollen & red..wondering what has left you so empty..so dull..so bleak..
And suddenly, while trying to figure out all the ills & odds..it seems that you are not living just surviving..your thoughts are being misunderstood..your passion getting disgraced...your charisma being suppressed
you are reminded that all you are doing is just survival..you feel alive only when you press upon your most painful bruise..
and this shall continue... until your soul is broken..in numberless forms, innumerable times..until there's nothing left to break...
And then there was calm. I was done with the crying, the angst, negotiations, prayers and affirmations. I could feel I was there... almost there... Stillness wrapped me everywhere I went. Memories ceased to hurt. Thoughts of letting go became normal. I was reaching acceptance. I had made it. I had finally taught myself to let go of the one thing that I had chosen... and pursued with blazing honesty of my emotions. I had finally succeeded at listing out and memorizing and understanding the points, which told why it was a bad decision to take it to my future. Finally I was at peace... like the dead... lying at the ocean bed... with wrecks of a ship that had just descended.
No more love. No more hate. No more pillows drenched in tear stains. Distant I stand, devoid of all hope that you'd ever communicate. Not waiting anymore, for you to say... things I tried but couldn't read straight from your head. No more pleas. No more questions raised. No more confusions. No demands to explain. The detour was beautiful. But it's getting late. Goodbye dear stranger. I hope you find your solace. I now stand, with all my luggage. Ready to board, the next train.
//his holocausts of love// He thronged those flames of love and scattered inside my heart. Filth of loneliness disappeared in a while by those squishy breezes of love and I forget "who I am" in your warmth of fondness.
//And I fell in your love more and more// That honeyed zephyr dispersed in my whole body. I was wandering in a distinct world and that world was consisting of only your love and I was the POTENTATE.
//And then I started forgetting myself// The effect of love started very soon inside me and I couldn't see something fore that. You was "fore I'm"
//And then it killed me// That love was too much for him and one day, he forgot everything about me and left and this heart stopped beating. My soul clamored not only in a dusky darkness, but also on the morn and siesta of the days. But he didn't come back.
//Now, I'm resting in the coffin of isolation//Nowadays, my soul is also silent in this coffin, those smuts inside the coffin, playing hide-and-seek and I'm just breathing those soots.
Sometimes when I say something and he goes silent... those are the moments I realise, I crossed a line. I said something I shouldn't have. I showed him a part of me that's ugly... that makes him uncomfortable. And since he loves me, he won't say a thing, he won't pick a fight. But when it's time, someday in future, for him to decide... these are going to be the moments that won't let him pick me. These are the moments that'll play in his mind and he'd choose peace over me. He'd choose a simple life over the mess that I bring. He'd choose someone as free as him, someone who not only loves him enough, but also loves him right.
What am I doing in your life. There's no place for me. Not even to hide. There's another girl weaving your name into all of her dreams. There's another family looking at you with hope, to be their daughter's prince charming. What am I doing in your life. Why do our conversations continue to take a stroll from our childhood to work to politics and inappropriate sexual humor. In moments of joy and pain, why do we still look for one another. What am I doing in your life. I can hear her footsteps as she continues to come nearer. I can see it turning to flesh and bones what once used to be my home. But we still linger, like the last bit of plaster that refuses to fall off from a wrecked wall. We still linger, in each other's mornings, in each other's nights... in the reflex of messages, that we send as soon as we open our eyes. What am I doing in your life. I can clearly hear her laughter, her fragrance fills the air. I can hear her bangles clunck, the ruffling of the pleates of her skirt. I have been packing my bags, ever since last summer. My suitcase is heavy. Heavier is my heart. I don't know if I should pack my things or just leave without erasing traces of my parts. What am I doing in your life. Standing midway. Blocking your vision, your way... from a future that seems so bright. Why am I still lingering by your side. What am I doing in your life.