As i write this down with a bleeding head and a fractured hand, I have never felt this broken my whole life. I have been beaten and abused and harrassed time again and again (mentally). I always thought that 'everything will be okay, eventually' but it had to be just the opposite. For a while now, i have been trying to stay positive. Doing what makes me happy. Trying to be a better person. Be the best version of myself. But toxicity never leaves you. Its right there where you left off. Waiting for you. Planning new things for you. And it never comes alone. Anxiety & depression comes along with it. My whole life, I always tried to ignore such things. Keeping it inside. Hiding emotions from everyone. So that, I wouldn't hurt anyone else. But life has always been fucked up anyway. Living in a society that channels all of your activities can be depressing. As a part of this society, you are not supposed to feel anything. You're not allowed to say anything. Your thought process doesn't matter. Your opinions doesn't matter. You are just a puppet and your master will control all your life. He will beat you, abuse you. No matter how much you go through. And even when you are not able to do anything about it, you can only hope for just surviving the day. I have been told that mental health matters. That you can always reach out to someone. But what if they are the one that put you in that position in the first place ? I have been taught that self love is eternal love, but how do you love yourself if you hope you'll die tomorrow, everyday ? Things happen for a reason, right ? I just can't make sense of what is going on with my life. Should i hope for better or just let things happen. As if i can change the things that are happening the same way from the past 22 years. Amidst all of this, writing down seems the only option left because i can be the master of my own words and i can be the only one for my fucked up yet wonderful life.
Schizophoaffective disorder is a severe mental disorder marked by periods of mania, psychosis, delusional thinking, visual and auditory hallucinations, and wild mood swings. Currently, there is no known cause or cure.
The following piece is lovingly dedicated to my youngest son Charley who is currently dealing with all of the above while we await proper diagnosis and treatment for him. As of this time, Charley is living in an unpredictable daily hell, and my husband and I are willingly right there with him, because that's what it is to be a parent.
Charley, you are far stronger than you know son. I just really wish you didn't have to be. ♥️
UNQUIET MIND Chaos and panic Decidedly manic Sanity ran out the door
Mind's on a bender I hereby surrender I really can't take any more
Distorted delusions Unwanted intrusions Taking up space in my head
And a menacing voice That leaves me no choice Than to think I'd be better off dead
Wild ideations With unknown causations Leave me in doubt of what's real
And I say that I'm fine But it's merely a line 'Cause I no longer know how I feel
Though it's dark and it's deep There's no solace in sleep Now that demons await me at night
Nowadays all my dreams Start with blood curdling screams From the moment I turn out the light
My own eyes now deceive me Though I doubt you'd believe me If I try to explain what I mean
And the scars on my arm Bear the truth of self-harm Done to cope with the horrors I've seen
I'm wired and unfocused As I head toward psychosis Reality warped and obscured
As I hide in my room Filled with terror and doom Due to the voices I heard
Some call me crazy While the rest say I'm lazy But I'm asking you please to be kind
Before you misjudge me Berate or begrudge me Come spend one day in my mind. Copyright Carolyn Glackin 11/17/2019
*Title credits go to Kay Redfield Jameson for her novel "The Unquiet Mind," which I read many years ago. All other words (aside from the title) are solely my own.
*The chosen artwork is called "The Scream," by Edvard Munch (circa 1893).
And beyond a point, I love you wasn't enough. Languages failed to express what I felt for you. That's when I couldn't hold it in anymore. Cutting through the barbed wires of beliefs... I rushed into your embrace. The heat that transpired between us... spoke so much of what I had been struggling to say. Every twitch of our skin, flutter of my hair, as it got entangled in your eyelashes... screamed everything I longed to speak. The way we were melting into one... I knew this was it... This was what had been missing... in all our words. You were sweating and I was trembling. I breathed on your chest... and I could clearly hear, how it tickled your heart... making it burst into an endearing giggle. The way the pulp of your fingers loosened the knots over my bosom... I knew this was it... this was right... this was what had been missing... in all our words. And in that moment I saw my molten lips flow towards your flushed cheeks... settling in the crevices and crinkles of your skin. While you sat there stunned... as I slowly kissed all over your face... watching it glow and burn... like a million suns in paradise.
I’ve been filling my empty jar, hoping to see colours adorn it’s greys. Nothing chromatic came stumbling my way So, I broke it open and marked myself with it’s shards To remember the pain and betrayal that I’ve been fed
You know that feeling when you love someone and they love you too and when you're with them it's all so beautiful. No worries. No care. You become kids together... enjoying every single moment. You complete each other's sentences. Silences are never awkward. It's a dream come true and you wonder how on Earth you got so lucky to find them and have them in your life. But days pass by... things remain fine. A blissful monotony creeps in. You now sense the burdens you both carry... The darkness of your widely different worlds that has been lurking in the shadows all along. And you see how you both have been pushing all the worries aside just to be with each other and enjoy a fairytale moment in this world of painful realities. It becomes evident how both have been striving and struggling to juggle and balance everything in your own lives... in ways, the other has no idea about. And you see that the love you two share, has been a beautiful escape, a beautiful distraction for each. But when it comes to merging these two worlds into one... it's an uphill task. You find yourself weighing the pros and cons. Listening to your heart and mind... the varying opinions... of logic and feelings. And you're already tired... of the struggles of life... and afraid of the risk, that merging these two worlds entails... but you also lack the heart to let them leave... So you just exist... In the shell of a beautiful relationship... and let it whither on it's own... as no one makes any effort, to either save it or let it go.
I guess all us writers have these moments. Don't we?
I watched the sunset slightly purple and orange in the distance I thought about how the moon now, will drown hundreds in its thoughts how the night would lure everyone in its peaceful lullaby and how the stars will inspire poems
with a pen in my hand, and a blank paper staring back I didn't write anything I just watched into the silence and it spoke so much to me.....
Thank you so much @mirakee for reposting It means so much to me❤❤
We stick by the people who demean our esteem and worth... and call it a family. We stick by the person who abandons us when convenient... and call it love. We've all constructed fancy words for random relations we build, just to evade the possibility of a haunting lonely experience. And then we spend a lifetime moulding ourselves... wrecking our thoughts and emotions... to understand the dynamics of something that's inherently dysfunctional.
1. The oldest season out of four is summer. It was made before earth, when sun was braiding rays, he was halfway through when few strands fell in May.
2. The colour of my eyes was black years back. People had fun throwing dust and running away while bullying a little girl. The next time she had her eyes open, soot returned all red and ablaze.
3. Princesses smelt like a perfume bottle when they approached dukes. I, a warrior, knew only the scent of crushed iron capsules. 4. Vampires have been after my rare reduced blood and I never intended to melt over humans. I found him frozen. He didn't poke my neck, his canines were generous enough to infuse life in my cyanosed lips. 5. Water initially; had no ripples because it was rigid. God offered it a wish to rise the highest he could but all that water wanted, was to fall. It first fell from God's eyes.