yayinology

Just another person

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  • yayinology 3d

    @colourfulgreys @anush18 @fajr_fajr @takecare

    I never worried about getting hurt.
    And I've never realized that I'm not the only one that's hurting.
    I try to look at what's behind the mask while I'm covering myself with dozens of them.

    I feel sorry all the time.
    I feel sorry for not knowing what to say,
    For being a part of someone's life,
    For not understanding people,
    For breathing.
    Most of the days,
    I wish I could trade this life with someone who wants to live.
    Having something that you don't value isn't fair.

    I hate myself.
    And I hate myself for no particular reason.
    It's like if I hated myself, then others hating won't affect me.
    If I apologized for every fucking breathe I take, then I might be forgiven for wasting them.
    If I numb my pain, I wouldn't bother getting hurt.
    If I'm busy loving others, then I won't feel bad for being unloved.
    If I'm busy filling other's cups I don't have to worry about how empty I am.
    If I leave my friends once they are happy with their lives then I won't ruin it.
    If I'm busy solving other's problems, I don't have to face mine.

    But ykw? I'm my problem.
    I forgot that saying sorry won't fix things.
    In an attempt to numb the pain I numbed all my emotions.
    I should have known that you can't pour from an empty cup.
    I should have shared my friends' happiness just like their sadness.
    I didn't realize that until I lower my guard down, I can't connect with anyone.
    I was focused on counting struggles, I forgot to count my blessings.
    I was so busy hating myself, I failed to realize when I was loved.

    ©yayinology

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    I'm my problem :(:
    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 1w

    @colourfulgreys @takecare @fajr_fajr @anush18

    One of my friends asked me 'what do I expect from them?'
    That surprised me for 2 reasons.
    First, no one asked me that.
    Secondly, idk what to say.
    But that's a great question.

    What do I expect?
    When I miss my sleep to talk to you, about everything and nothing,
    When I appreciate you for something you did, or for something you are,
    When I say that I love, respect, and adore you,
    When I try to be there for you when you want me to,
    When I confess that you make me happy and I trust you,
    When I tell you the stories that I've never told anyone,
    When I say it hurts to see you hate yourself,
    When I tell you that you're special and I appreciate your company,
    When I'm vulnerable with you,
    What is that I expect?

    Idk what I want, but I'm sure of what I don't.
    I don't expect you to treat me like I'm special.
    No, I don't expect you to reciprocate my feelings.
    I don't expect you to believe me or to be impressed by my words.
    I don't even expect you to give me a reply.
    It would be nice if I received one, even if I didn't I won't think wrong of you.
    We all have our reasons and perspectives.
    I guess I do these things because they make me happy and I care for you.
    And I do them because I think my words bring you happiness too.

    I'd stop if you want me to.
    I'd leave if you ask me to.
    Even if you leave me without an answer I won't come to you for one.
    I expect nothing.
    You don't have to give anything.

    But if you could, just be here with me and share this moment.
    I'd very much appreciate that.

    ©yayinology

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    What do I expect?

    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 1w

    @colourfulgreys @fajr_fajr @deactivated__user @takecare You people fascinate me <3

    I was fascinated by life, for a long time.
    How the white and yellow gels give rise to a beautiful chick?
    How did I come from my mom's tummy?
    Why cats are smaller than dogs?
    I've asked this kind of question for years.
    And I felt bad when I got my answers.
    Tbh, we're just machines driven by genes.
    Our soul is electricity.
    Our emotions are chemicals.
    There wasn't any bigger purpose.
    We're expected to just survive and reproduce.
    Why? Because that's how our genes gain time.
    Like the bubble wrap that protects the glass,
    We're protecting our genes.
    They are our masters.
    And that truly angered me.
    It was hard for me to see us as an electrical appliance.

    Then I came across Love.
    It didn't take long for me to realize that it's the answer I've been looking for.
    If you eliminate love, all other emotions will be focused on our own survival and happiness.
    But when you love, you value other lives equally, and at times even above your's.
    The child that feeds stray dog with their food,
    A person who donates their kidney/ liver for their loved ones,
    Auto drivers who don't charge for taking a woman to her delivery,
    Eyes that cry for other people,
    People online who listen to stranger's worries,
    Souls that gives you without expecting anything in return,
    They amaze me now.
    They fascinate me more than anything.
    Love fascinates me the most.

    ©yayinology

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    Love fascinates me the most <3
    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 1w

    @colourfulgreys @fajr_fajr @just_buried An old one. I forgot to share.

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    Flock, brace, badling, raft, team, paddling.
    These words refer to a group of ducks,
    And there were 9 of them when I found them.

    Among them, my fav is this somewhat
    short and a stout guy, cause he allows me to pet him.
    He is missing since 4/12/19.
    And a day before he went missing,
    he was sleeping like a baby.
    Even when others woke up now and then when they hear any sound to make sure they are fine.
    But he has never lifted his head.

    I wonder maybe it's because he knew it's coming.
    Something to take him away.
    Perhaps, that's why he slept without any fear that day.
    And I couldn't stop myself from thinking,
    How it'll feel, to sleep like that.
    Without any care, without getting disturbed by anything or anyone.
    Maybe that's what peace will feel like,
    or a coma or death will feel like.
    And I hope that is as silent as I think it'll be,
    For we all had enough of noise while staying awake.

    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 1w

    @colourfulgreys @anush18 @fajr_fajr

    In my lab, we use something called 'minimal media'. It's the minimum nutrient required for the survival of the organism in a toxic environment. For the organism to reproduce, grow, etc it had to eat that toxin we put in there. Since they have no choice left, they'll start to eat toxins for their living and soon they'll start to eat them like their fav food. This transformation process is called acclimatization.

    That's what some people do with their relationships. They provide the minimum effort for it to sustain under the toxic environment. And I hope you get out of it before getting acclimatized.

    ©yayinology

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    Minimal media
    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 2w

    This is dedicated to @fajr_fajr Thank you for liking my writings matey��

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    Solitude is what I seek.
    It doesn't matter, whether I'm sad, happy, calm, or confused.
    For it always does magic to me,
    when I embrace my own company.

    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 3w

    Because at the conscious level they want to be loved and never be abandoned again but on an unconscious level they believe to be worthless and undeserving of love and that there is a good reason their caretakers "abandoned" them.

    So they (again unconsciously, they need years of therapy to realize their sick patterns) try to find "real love": the idealized partner who is the parent they never had/abused them who may "re-parent" them and drag them out of their messy and shitty hell of a life and give them the lot of love they crave and especially a "self" (i.e making them "whole" and giving them an identity they lack).

    But no person is "perfect", so when they realize that the idealized partner is a mere human with strengths and weaknesses (like their likely abusive mother/dad ) they will split him black and start accusing them of being a fraud and having lied to them.

    Also, they can't deal with real adult intimacy because they are children at their core.

    This is the borderline paradox: their fear abandonment because these sad souls experienced it at a very early stage of development but they believe that they had to deal with was "right".

    Result: they will try over and over again to recreate the same traumatic childhood experience of abandonment and rejection that made them mentally ill in the first instance and they will try as hard as they can to sabotage every relationship, especially those who are more valuables to them and that is going better.

    Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/js858t/why_people_with_bpd_destruct_every_relationship/gbxnv75?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

    I have BPD. I've read a lot of answers. But this is the only one that explains things clearly and the one I could accept. This is the truth. Dating someone with BPD is difficult. They need help. And it'll probably take years for them to break this toxic loop. I'm not asking you to be there for them. I just wanted people to know the real reason behind it.

    #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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    Why people with BPD destruct every relationship?

  • yayinology 3w

    This post is addressed to my mates @colourfulgreys @bouncy @ashamurali @anush18 @takecare

    Love you people����������

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    Listening to people is draining.
    Being listened to is suffocating.
    I want you people in my life.
    You mean something to me.
    I've learned a lot from you, made some of the most memorable moments, felt heard and understood.
    Without you, I'd have gone mad.
    You are the best. You truly care.
    You are good people. You are kind.
    I had an awesome time with you, irrespective of the duration we shared.
    Well, some take years to understand but some you just know.
    Thank you for everything.

    But for now, I think I need some time with myself.
    I'm not writing this assuming that I'm important to you people, but you are important to me.
    And I'll come back to you.
    I have comments to reply to, tagged posts to read, app review to give, people to know, and awesome conversations to have.

    I'm just having a hard time understanding myself.
    Once I clean up my mess, I'll come back to you people.
    Nowhere else to go lol

    Until then take care.

    Borahae (Much love)
    -Yayin

    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 4w

    I don't want you to be there for me.
    I don't think anyone can be there for anyone.
    But you can be with me when I'm afraid of being on my own.

    I get it. We all are broken.
    Some a little, some almost irreparable, and some beyond repair.
    I don't want you to fix me, because you can't.
    But you can love me while I fix myself.

    I don't want you to look after me 24/7.
    You have your own life to live.
    But when it gets too much, you can sit with me when I cry my eyes out.

    You can't stop my nightmares from waking me up.
    But you can hold me tight so I can fall asleep listening to your heartbeats.

    I don't want you to agree with everything I say/ do.
    You can just give me your honest opinion.

    I don't expect you to understand my silence, or to read my mind, or to complete my sentences.
    You can ask for an explanation and I'll give you one.

    I just want us to learn from and about each other.
    Teach me how to make your fav dish, how to code, or to fight.
    How to paint nails or to do bike stunts. ANYTHING.
    Teach me how to love you.
    Teach me how and where you wanna be touched.
    Tell me what you want and how you like it.
    I wanna learn them.

    Your deepest scars, your darkest thoughts.
    Your biggest fears, your strongest faiths.
    Your longest nights, your hardest times.
    I wanna share them.

    I don't want to be yours. I can't be owned.
    I don't want you to be mine. I don't like owning.
    But we can be each other's something.
    A special thing.

    I can't give you my all.
    I'll save something for myself.
    But I can share a huge part of me with you.
    You can have me as no one else did.
    You can see me like no one ever had.
    You can have my love.

    ©yayinology

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    You can have my love

    ©yayinology

  • yayinology 4w

    I'm both extremes.
    A serial killer, who'd donate his victim's body parts to the people in need.
    Moderation just doesn't work for me.
    ©yayinology