I never worried about getting hurt. And I've never realized that I'm not the only one that's hurting. I try to look at what's behind the mask while I'm covering myself with dozens of them.
I feel sorry all the time. I feel sorry for not knowing what to say, For being a part of someone's life, For not understanding people, For breathing. Most of the days, I wish I could trade this life with someone who wants to live. Having something that you don't value isn't fair.
I hate myself. And I hate myself for no particular reason. It's like if I hated myself, then others hating won't affect me. If I apologized for every fucking breathe I take, then I might be forgiven for wasting them. If I numb my pain, I wouldn't bother getting hurt. If I'm busy loving others, then I won't feel bad for being unloved. If I'm busy filling other's cups I don't have to worry about how empty I am. If I leave my friends once they are happy with their lives then I won't ruin it. If I'm busy solving other's problems, I don't have to face mine.
But ykw? I'm my problem. I forgot that saying sorry won't fix things. In an attempt to numb the pain I numbed all my emotions. I should have known that you can't pour from an empty cup. I should have shared my friends' happiness just like their sadness. I didn't realize that until I lower my guard down, I can't connect with anyone. I was focused on counting struggles, I forgot to count my blessings. I was so busy hating myself, I failed to realize when I was loved.
One of my friends asked me 'what do I expect from them?' That surprised me for 2 reasons. First, no one asked me that. Secondly, idk what to say. But that's a great question.
What do I expect? When I miss my sleep to talk to you, about everything and nothing, When I appreciate you for something you did, or for something you are, When I say that I love, respect, and adore you, When I try to be there for you when you want me to, When I confess that you make me happy and I trust you, When I tell you the stories that I've never told anyone, When I say it hurts to see you hate yourself, When I tell you that you're special and I appreciate your company, When I'm vulnerable with you, What is that I expect?
Idk what I want, but I'm sure of what I don't. I don't expect you to treat me like I'm special. No, I don't expect you to reciprocate my feelings. I don't expect you to believe me or to be impressed by my words. I don't even expect you to give me a reply. It would be nice if I received one, even if I didn't I won't think wrong of you. We all have our reasons and perspectives. I guess I do these things because they make me happy and I care for you. And I do them because I think my words bring you happiness too.
I'd stop if you want me to. I'd leave if you ask me to. Even if you leave me without an answer I won't come to you for one. I expect nothing. You don't have to give anything.
But if you could, just be here with me and share this moment. I'd very much appreciate that.
I was fascinated by life, for a long time. How the white and yellow gels give rise to a beautiful chick? How did I come from my mom's tummy? Why cats are smaller than dogs? I've asked this kind of question for years. And I felt bad when I got my answers. Tbh, we're just machines driven by genes. Our soul is electricity. Our emotions are chemicals. There wasn't any bigger purpose. We're expected to just survive and reproduce. Why? Because that's how our genes gain time. Like the bubble wrap that protects the glass, We're protecting our genes. They are our masters. And that truly angered me. It was hard for me to see us as an electrical appliance.
Then I came across Love. It didn't take long for me to realize that it's the answer I've been looking for. If you eliminate love, all other emotions will be focused on our own survival and happiness. But when you love, you value other lives equally, and at times even above your's. The child that feeds stray dog with their food, A person who donates their kidney/ liver for their loved ones, Auto drivers who don't charge for taking a woman to her delivery, Eyes that cry for other people, People online who listen to stranger's worries, Souls that gives you without expecting anything in return, They amaze me now. They fascinate me more than anything. Love fascinates me the most.
In my lab, we use something called 'minimal media'. It's the minimum nutrient required for the survival of the organism in a toxic environment. For the organism to reproduce, grow, etc it had to eat that toxin we put in there. Since they have no choice left, they'll start to eat toxins for their living and soon they'll start to eat them like their fav food. This transformation process is called acclimatization.
That's what some people do with their relationships. They provide the minimum effort for it to sustain under the toxic environment. And I hope you get out of it before getting acclimatized.
Because at the conscious level they want to be loved and never be abandoned again but on an unconscious level they believe to be worthless and undeserving of love and that there is a good reason their caretakers "abandoned" them.
So they (again unconsciously, they need years of therapy to realize their sick patterns) try to find "real love": the idealized partner who is the parent they never had/abused them who may "re-parent" them and drag them out of their messy and shitty hell of a life and give them the lot of love they crave and especially a "self" (i.e making them "whole" and giving them an identity they lack).
But no person is "perfect", so when they realize that the idealized partner is a mere human with strengths and weaknesses (like their likely abusive mother/dad ) they will split him black and start accusing them of being a fraud and having lied to them.
Also, they can't deal with real adult intimacy because they are children at their core.
This is the borderline paradox: their fear abandonment because these sad souls experienced it at a very early stage of development but they believe that they had to deal with was "right".
Result: they will try over and over again to recreate the same traumatic childhood experience of abandonment and rejection that made them mentally ill in the first instance and they will try as hard as they can to sabotage every relationship, especially those who are more valuables to them and that is going better.
I have BPD. I've read a lot of answers. But this is the only one that explains things clearly and the one I could accept. This is the truth. Dating someone with BPD is difficult. They need help. And it'll probably take years for them to break this toxic loop. I'm not asking you to be there for them. I just wanted people to know the real reason behind it.
I don't want you to be there for me. I don't think anyone can be there for anyone. But you can be with me when I'm afraid of being on my own.
I get it. We all are broken. Some a little, some almost irreparable, and some beyond repair. I don't want you to fix me, because you can't. But you can love me while I fix myself.
I don't want you to look after me 24/7. You have your own life to live. But when it gets too much, you can sit with me when I cry my eyes out.
You can't stop my nightmares from waking me up. But you can hold me tight so I can fall asleep listening to your heartbeats.
I don't want you to agree with everything I say/ do. You can just give me your honest opinion.
I don't expect you to understand my silence, or to read my mind, or to complete my sentences. You can ask for an explanation and I'll give you one.
I just want us to learn from and about each other. Teach me how to make your fav dish, how to code, or to fight. How to paint nails or to do bike stunts. ANYTHING. Teach me how to love you. Teach me how and where you wanna be touched. Tell me what you want and how you like it. I wanna learn them.
Your deepest scars, your darkest thoughts. Your biggest fears, your strongest faiths. Your longest nights, your hardest times. I wanna share them.
I don't want to be yours. I can't be owned. I don't want you to be mine. I don't like owning. But we can be each other's something. A special thing.
I can't give you my all. I'll save something for myself. But I can share a huge part of me with you. You can have me as no one else did. You can see me like no one ever had. You can have my love.
I want To fall in love with someone's smile To swoon under their gaze To become dizzy with their touch
I want To crave someone like an addiction To nestle up to their warmth To get an adrenaline rush from their scent
I want To hold them and never let go To tell them how much I love them everyday To keep discovering them like it's my personal quest
I want To give them my heart To love them for all that they are To keep them from the tainted world
I want But what can I do with these contaminated hands? How dare I try to hold them close with these hands of mine flowing thick with lies? To tell them sweet nothings with my corrupted tongue?
My love Is like a wildfire Sudden, quick, and innocent Without my permission my little spark turned into a flame And consumed everything that contained a letter in your name
My love Is like a wildfire Untamed, ephemeral, and dangerous It destroys all it touches, Breaking barriers, burning bridges It envelopes everyone in its warmth leaving no option but to run or turn to ash
Beware of my wildfire love You cannot leave unscathed I leave a scar
Beware of my wildfire, love Because I'll burn enough for us both I'll keep you warm on cold nights and dry on rainy days I will set your heart ablaze and love you with all the force of my wildfire
Beware of my love, It can't be forgotten nor replaced.
Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment, sometimes described as a paradox, devised by Austrian-Irish physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935, during the course of discussions with Albert Einstein. It illustrates what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics applied to everyday objects.
Dear ••••, I do not have large friend circles, I have a best friend and lots of virtual people. People I have never seen, only felt. I don't know why they are still with me, some have definitely betrayed but those who have stayed till now. I am thankful to them. I know they will leave me one day as well but I know I won't be crying, I would be happy with the memories I created with them. People sucks, Memories don't.
I have talked to all of them at different hours of day. Once, I was a nightowl, so I used to sleep around 2:00 a.m. but now I'm returning back to my usual track and today I want to tell you that the part of time when we talk to each other is something very special to me. A feeling, wonderful. My happiest hours with you. 5:00 a.m., I don't know when I started loving you but I feel like there's a connection that allows us to talk, to feel each other, to appreciate each other. It's been 26 days I first met you. I love you even when I know you don't love me back. I know this feeling is not mutual but still I love you. Yes, I know the way you trust me. The way you tell me about your weekly plans, the way you care for me. There are infinite things I love in you. I can't pen down all of them.(I don't want others to feel the way you make me feel special)
• I love the way you smile. You random jokes are my medicines. Your smile, I crave for that smile. And I have noticed that sometimes you are aware of this thing that I'm noticing you each and every time. I try to notice your edges and imperfections. I love the way you talk: straight and honest. You're humble, pure hearted and gifted a brilliant sense of humor. I've shared some deep buried feelings to you, I know you're a dumbo to understand this storm rushing in my mind but I love telling you my deepest fears.
But what attracted me towards you? Your qualities? Your nature? Your looks? No. They're not important for me! The first thing that attracted me: I found a lost friend in you. You're not completely like him but you're so like him. The trust you have on me attracted me towards you. I remember when your friend cracked a joke saying that "यहाँ सब प्रेम बंधन में गुम हैं" That was joke for you, but it wasn't a joke for me. Those were my feelings expressed by someone else's mouth. I know I have been hurted and disappointed a lot but you know what? I am the one responsible for my sufferings. I know that you don't love me and you will never ever love me but still I expect that you love me too. And being helpless, I can't seek help from anyone. I can't tell anyone that I love someone who isn't in love with me. Somedays, I cocooned myself far from this world, and then you entered in my life. A reason to break that shell and come out to spend my time with you. My happiest hours. I don't know much of you but representing what I came to know in these 26 days.
//He's not someone who is a PUB-G lover or a guy who loves playing video games. He's not someone who sleeps late at night, or hangout with his friends. He is just opposite from the other boys but does that make a difference? I still love him. By saying I still love him, I do not mean that I am adjusting myself for him. No, not at all. He is an *axiom of perfection* and I? I'm not even 10% of it. I know he don't deserves a toxic person like me but I want to tell him that I don't know how many seconds, hours, days, weeks, months, years I have but I want to live upto the fullest. I am aware of this fact that we both are teens and adolescence can shape as well as destroy our lives but I am sure that loving you is never gonna hurt me. Loving you is my honor. Hiding this from you is a sin but I don't want our friendship to ruin//
I've seen my brother's voice changing, I've seen my dad coping up his problems with a smile on his face and now I see you. Someone who is taking care of me in unexpected and beautiful ways.
Yours permanent friend but a temporary lover. ~••••••• ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Thanks for this challenge @writersbay Thanks for inspiring me @a_wildflower Before you all start thinking about my life: #fiction#fiction#fiction -n times (n= infinity). I suck at writing letters, I know that. ;) I also know that you're not gonna read this.
So easily we name a disease a pandemic For its cause is a virus Comfortably ignoring diseases of greater magnitude Caused by humans, by us.
A nation of teaming populace Where millions die every day Deaths being considered only now For it being an act of God But those Deaths due to human apathy Who counts them?
The pollution we created as a shroud around ourselves Sacrificing forests for fire and smoke Wildlife destroyed for skyscrapers Has come to kill us in each glass of water and in infants’ first breaths.
Caste oppression and gender violence Stifles more lives than a terrorists acts Homophobia extinguishes the lives of millions of men and women Here as we smugly sanitise our hands of all responsibilities And as we cover our shame with branded masks a migrant labourer joins the ranks of silent deaths.
Farmers feel violated by bills robbers pass in houses of democracy While frenzied public rejoices over newly announced temples Very secular our ideals yet a bhagwa-clad rules a state In dire situation lies the economy yet Jobless millions still would fall again for false hopes of better days
An unplanned lockdown has left millions of underprivileged, poor and disabled children without access to education Is digital India only for a few?
Mental health still brushed under the carpet But bodies dead by suicide are now rising to the surface.
Is this the nation, Bhagat Singh laid his life for? Divided by religion, by caste, by color By wealth, by disability, by gender? Wake up fellow Indians Wake up it’s a war cry Against your own blind eyes!
To be honest, people praise my goddamned face. It sucks, She does the same. But the way she looks at me in astonishment. Hehe..I love her. I wait for her compliments whenever I get dressed and that lil munchkin never fails to appreciate me. (No matter how bad I am looking.)