And today when I woke up too late, the very first thought that crossed my mind was of yours. You see even the strongest people have their weak points, so what makes them strong? Their dedication in their good days. What makes me strong is that no matter what happens, I have someone to rely upon. I used to believe that this world is paradise but now I know you're that world for me. How dumb I was. I still am. That feeling of being in heaven is just with you, so should I conclude that you're that world for me? No, I won't. I know we are losing our minds. This is maybe the last letter I'm writing to you and then I'll try to Stop Living In the Past. Memories are overrated. We are just afraid of accepting the present.
Dear Lucius, You see, even when I was sinking, I called out your name. You don't have to change yourself for anyone or anything. I love the way you are. Words can be filtered as well but behavior? They can't be filtered. I can stop living in the past but maybe I can't stop loving you but still I'll look for the reasons which will be suffice to hate you but It's hard, you know. How to evolve hatred for you when I am so in love with your imperfections? So many if's and but's, right?
Sometimes I think about this phrase, " , , " Ahh, my mind. I almost lost my mind yesterday night when I was thinking about this one line. What If I Got you but I didn't deserve you? What If I deserved you but I didn't get you? You think I'm an Angel? In my bad days, my sky is grey and the air I breathe is smoky, the shades I paint are blue. I seek bliss but what I get is pissed off. I put my self through hell, I am just a demon. I hope I'll find peace sooner. My monsters will calm down. I don't know if I will be with you anymore but I do know one thing that I'll be forgetting you sooner. I don't want to find reasons to forgive you. I wanna forget you for no reasons. I don't want reasons to forget you. I know If I will be asking reasons, I'll be remembering you everytime.
We are just a tragedy, I guess. This combination perfectly suits us: ' ' . We are like an animal when with each other. We are like night jasmine flowers, our life span is shorter but adorable. I told you that I wanted a mass grave for Night Jasmines we used to rip apart. We were obsidians for each other, we used to remove our negativity. I have been craving for your finger tips, I miss your tight hugs you used to give me at the end of the day. Days that were dark & gloomy. I knew I was never the right one for you but I don't know who is that right one for me except you. I remember those days when you used to hide in my lap seeking rest and calmness after a tiring day. I miss those days! Do you? You do a lot, but you never show. We can never totally be forgotten, we can be lost and found. The essence of our soul remains in the songs we suggested, in the mugs we gifted, in the books we read, in the movies we watched. And so we'll never die. You know that it was a tough time and I know that I've been avoiding every single thing that is attached to you or your memories but it's still hard. I still remember the way your warm fingers soothed my frozen ones. I still remember the way you secretly captured my smiling picture and kept in your safe. I still remember the way you used to ask me for my palm to rest on your cheeks. I fuckin remember every littlest of things we did together and apart. This letter is written for burning it later. I won't be sending you this because this is just an attempt to forget you after 3 years of our separation.
I miss us. We didn't fight for the last time. I wish I knew that it's the end. I wish I gave you a back bump so that you run after me and do the same to me. I wish our end was not silent. I wish our end was ENDLESS.