There is that fight in my head all day, wheather to give up, or stay. To shut out and sleep tight, or to regret and suffer whole night. Either to fly, in the deep blue sky, or to cage myself untill I die. This is the fight that kills me all day, and I finally end up losing my way.
I so keep pushing people away, For what I seeked, did never stay. Walls keep closing around me and I sink each day, yet I cling on to a hope, that drifts futher away. For silence I starve, I seek darkness too.. My mistakes scars me still, for every right I do.
I refuse love, I more prefer to hate. I choose to remain alone, so no one controls my faith. Yes I wont die, but I ain't living too. so stuck in this islet, and there is no resque.
There is this fight, that kills me each day, I run from it, yet it finds its way. Approaching this way, i won't see the dawn.. for you cant live, once what you live for is gone.
There is warmth in happiness and a bit of cold in sadness, the kind you don't feel until you have those moments in your life.
There are times when you remind yourself to wait, hold on and breathe for a second, and that pause, it always takes you to the rollercoaster ride of your memories, sometimes it comes as a blessing and helps you to move ahead, but more often it shows you the most painful experience of your past, as it's in our nature to hold on to our regrets.
You do know one thing as a writer that, words sound more poetic in sadness, but you also believe that in happiness, people don't really care about words to rhyme.
"It's been long, hasn't it? Come sit, the snow is melting today, the sun is up high. The porch already has a chair set out for you. "
"I'll put on the pot, some biscuits too?"
"Good lad, though I can't even begin to fathom how you drink it without sugar. Why, when I was your age, I used to adore the intoxicating sweet taste."
"You don't like Christmas, do you lad? For I can't fathom any other reason for you to be here on such a wonderful day, away from your family."
"I gathered as much, fighting will get you nowhere lad. Come, listen, I'll tell you a story about time, Christmas and trees. There's a reason why our entire generation and the god up above loves this festival."
"Come on now! Don't make the face, here, take a bite from the jam biscuit and settle in."
"The truth about time, lad, is that it passes. It doesn't matter how hard you try to clench your fingers around it, it'll always slip through, letting you be just a passerby."
"Lad, I wish I could see ghosts, I wish I could relive those old memories again. I know, I know that you are here, yet, as time keeps passing by, even you'll move on. Everyone has."
"Sixty years ago, I decorated my first Christmas tree. It was along with Annie and Josh. Three of us, barely entering double digits, using various chairs and cushions to hang shiny decorations from a humongous tree."
"No need to scoff, lad. We were kids, enjoying the first time we got that privilege. It was a bad time, war was dragging on and the entire nation was floundering. Christmas time seemed like a bleak ray of hope back then, providing a reason to hold on and not let go."
"Isn't that enchanting? Just holding on and not letting go? A promise to yourself, for everything. Love. Life. Relationships. It comes at a cost, of course, but it ends up being so beautiful."
"Biscuits? Tea? Anything else, lad?"
"Where was I? Ah. Yes. The Christmas tree."
"Do you know of the beautiful feeling budding up in your heart when you come back home? That's what it was for us. It was our bonds pushing us close together, clutching on and just collecting our little pieces of magic."
"Needless to say, we were very bad at decorating. There had been a massive fight over candycanes, Annie and I wanted it at the top, whereas Josh wanted to hoard it all up."
"Ah, don't grin now. Even though we fought, it was a good natured one, lad. We decorated the tree with chuckles, squabbles and memories."
"It was bad, the candycanes ended up on one side, with all the shiny red baubles surrounding them like a lion's mane. It wasn't good, nor could it be called beautiful."
"But lad, it was a brief, fleeting moment of peace, warmth and love. That's what Christmas was for us. A small, weird time to just hope, hold on and wait for the best."
"I know that you like the stars, claiming they make you brave. Christmas is like that for many of us, lad. It's full of small rituals, making our heart feel brave again."
"It's us, all of us, allowing ourselves to love a little more, to trust a little more."
"Even now, lad, I wish I had the ghosts of my family here, the ghost of Annie and Jack. Someone, anyone to sit with me on this beautiful day. They can't be here tonight, and I have made my peace with that. They'll live forever in me, and I'll decorate a small tree in the evening. For us."
"If you don't want to go back, join me for it. Love with reckless abandon, lad. You'll never regret your life if you do."
"My shoulders are warm now, I hope your soul is too. So, what will you do?"
"Ah. Going back to your family? That's good, lad. That's good. Give them a hug from me. Christmas is a time to be with family. I'll be here. I'll be here. Go on now. Don't be a stranger now."
(Fill them till they are empty.) -------------------------------------------------------- You enter in their home when they are the most comfortable by themselves, when they never felt the need to let some one in, you make them believe there's something missing, they are not whole, they lack love in their life, their home is not a home without the other person, you go inside from the front door when in real, they never wanted to welcome you. . Then, they'll believe you, they'll suddenly give their all to you, their everything, their favourite jewels from heart to soul, they'll break all the walls, doors and windows to let you in completely in a hope that you'll be there to provide shelter, they'll start living with you, you'll become their favourite habit, they'll get addicted to you, they'll believe and trust you for completing their home, they'll finally love you with all their heart after losing all of them, they'll give their all to you, they'll love you insanely.
But then, you'll realise their love is too much, they are too much, they are too soft and delicate to be loved, you'll say- you never want to hurt them but despite this all you'll hurt them to the core, you'll never give them the love they deserve, you'll leave them in pieces, first from the ventilation, from the spaces in between the doors, from the windows, and finally you'll leave not from the one you came but from the door in the back of their home and, and they'll always let you in because they don't know how to let someone out, they can keep only some people inside, so they locked their door in the beginning as soon as you entered their home, to prevent themselves from other people and they are locked since then till now, they don't open for anyone else but for you, always.
They don't share much with people, so they start keeping everything to themselves, this is how their home turns into a baggage so heavy, they hate letting someone in but they badly need someone to come in to reconstruct their torn and worn home but they will not be able to. They'll turn into a helpless being.
You'll break their home in pieces and pieces they'll still try to 'Not-call it broken' they'll try their best to feel complete and full, they'll never blame anyone for their broken home and heart and this is how they'll just hurt themselves. You'll teach them many lessons from self-love to self control but they never wanted to learn those lessons. You'll tell them, you'll warn them in the beginning but you'll forget, you'll forget to tell them about self-love before breaking their home, about fixing it all, about how to bear the loss, about how to make it look normal, about how to feel FULL again.
This is how you'll break a introvert's home and this way, you don't only break their home but their faith, trust, belief in LOVE, in letting someone else in, because they now have this somewhere in their heart that people only enter your home just to steal You from yourself, they only enter to shatter your HOME, that people can't heal you, people can't make you, people can't love you the way you need to be loved, But they'll teach you the most important lesson that is to love yourself, It's just you and you who can love yourself totally, who needs to be taken care of. It's just you, who should be given proper attention who should be loved and loved and it's just you who can love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.
//There comes some people in our life who only teaches us to love ourselves more and more.// _____________________________________________